Power Rankings

These plumps dumped all over Gold despite only having 6 players for most of the game. Luis yet again had a star turn at QB while Oriya was out and Honeycutt was at the field (but apparently only after the game was already over?). Luis’ odds of getting called up to full-time QB next season against his will have risen dramatically. His odds of still being friends with Oriya afterward are falling rapidly.

It’s giving…inevitability.

The plan - hike the ball, give it to Jordan A., have three large men push the defense out of the way, let Jordan move forward a few yards, repeat until you run out the clock. The execution - flawless. The result - victory. The excitement - lacking.

It’s giving…florals for spring. Groundbreaking.

Well we can all thank Gerel for JC’s decision NOT to retire from football in his advanced age after almost single-handedly delivering his team the win with multiple TDs and INTs. JC, in typical fashion, showed up at 8:59 AM for a 9:00 AM game – so nothing has changed in the many, MANY years he’s been in this league.

The less athletic, less attractive, less charismatic, less aged, and decidedly less broken Ricchetti brother was seen stepping up as interim captain by the end of the game to fill in for his injured captain and absentee QB. Now THAT’S leadership.

It’s giving…nepotism.

These froggies hippity-hopped their way to the goal line so many times they didn’t even realize they were three scores ahead by the end. Desiree decided to stunt on all the boys and girls in open division Sunday (after already putting up 3 TDs and 2 picks in W+) with many, MANY important plays and pulls. Meanwhile, Brian H., infamous for his well-known inflated ego and incredibly boastful nature, secured yet another MVP this week.

Unlike frogs though, this team has slippery fingers so they probably could have won by even more if they didn’t drop the ball so often! They aren’t a prince yet, but are just a smooch away!

It’s giving…pucker up.

Pinky Swear decided to match Black’s hemorrhaging of players by having practically every single player on their team show up on Sunday. As they stressed about getting everyone playing time, Wyatt was able to string together several plays to a reliable, rotating core of receivers to keep momentum up for his team. He may have gotten grabbed (*probably* on accident) almost every play by Black’s 3 rushers along the way but he was able to connect with a combination of Ivan, Zo, Quinn, or Chad to seal another win. Pressure’s on now to go for a back to back championship winning streak!

It’s giving…first time at the gay bar.

It’s groundhog’s day for Maroon with yet another win after stacking up 40 points. Captain Juan was kind enough to share the spotlight this week, allowing Shaq and Charles to also get some stats on the board. A proud example to the community that sharing IS caring.

It’s giving…up going for offensive MVP this season.

Kelly went into their game on Sunday a little distracted and probably a bit hot and bothered after Captain DJ’s warm up tunes were consistently interrupted by notification alerts from THAT app. You know the one. The one you don’t tell your parents about. The one you always talk about deleting but then never do. The one that if it ever got hacked and everyone saw everything you’d said you’d do to him, you might need to move to a new city and join another gay football league with a new name. But no. Not AGAIN.

And that’s why Kelly was so distracted and lost.

It’s giving…headless torso pic.

This was not the same team I played against last week. Missed pulls, dropped balls, cats and dogs living together. Mass hysteria. According to onlookers, they have continued to live up to their modest reputation as…well…plain. But it’s ok, just like everyone’s favorite ice cream flavor (vanilla) you’re definitely everyone’s favorite team to win it all this season.

Also, as a service to this community, I’ll ask the question: can y’all clarify who’s trade? Inquiring minds want to know.

It’s giving…master of none.

These jocks came out to share in the festive Halloween spirit and give Seafoam a second-half of the game jump scare! Finally this team is doing everything you’d expect them to: Recto catching some deep balls and eyes on the sideline, Marvin pushing aside anyone who gets in his way, Ben commenting on every call by the refs, Liam bull rushing his way over the defenders, Jens having a drink and a chuckle, and Andy quietly reminding folks that you should always cover him with 3 seconds left in the game.

It’s giving…charisma, nerve, and talent. Still waiting on the uniqueness part.

To hear Seafoam tell it – they faced gale force winds, Jock O’Lanterns the size of mountains, blinding sun during a 12:30 game, and referees still learning how to whistle (a talent I struggle with as well). A tale for the ages, just not one with a happy ending. While we have all decided that Austin P. is the undisputed nicest member of this league (if you disagree, you’re not being very nice), unfortunately, nice guys finish last.

It’s giving…embellishment.

With Captain Morgan out getting fitted for a peg-leg and hook after an unfortunate ankle injury at the basketball 3v3 tournament (feel better and also a free idea for midseason party - team social chair take note!), these scallywags got keelhauled by the intrepid anchormen. They may have been marooned this time, but once they flag down the next passing ship they’re out for sweet, sweet revenge next weekend. Or a quick trip to the *sand* bar afterward. (*Booing intensifies*)

It’s giving…the rum is gone.

Those demon twinks really were out hunting for a top on Sunday morning, because they got dumped on, in, and all over despite having the numbers advantage on their opponents. At least make them buy you dinner first – have some dignity! But I love when sports reflect life!

But also seriously…what happened? Are you all ok? Do I need to call a ride home?

It’s giving…Number Nine.

Baddy Issues? More like body issues. And I mean a LOT of them. Step aside body dysmorphia there’s a new girl in town and her name is polytrauma recidivism. Much like their famously porcelain leadership, they usually show signs of vitality and durability in the first half of most games before the cracks start showing and they shatter their bones, their hopes, and their dreams before the last whistle. If they can bubble wrap their bodies long enough, they may just make it to the playoffs with 7 players still intact. Two head-on collisions midgame by teammates Josh E., Luke K., and Austin A. don’t inspire confidence that will happen.

It’s giving…Avian Bone Syndrome.

Gay Gray RIP finally got their first win this week (yes the old joke is pretty dated *ba dum tsss* at this point but we’re rolling with it). With a touch of gray, a touch of experience, they showed those Navy seamen how it was done back in the good ole’ days. They don’t need any flashy tricks, or youthful exuberance – they make up for it with a steady hand, consistent pressure, and an uncanny ability to find just the right spot to get through the petty betties’ defenses.

As of this week, they’re putting the R-E-S-P-E-C-T in respecting your elders.

It’s giving…blowing out backs on and off the field.

The petty officers got dishonorably discharged by those Gray Gays – with both Paul and Chad stepping up to fill the holes left by Andre and Clem’s absence at QB but nothing could quite fit just right. Like the Titanic, they filled up before going down.

It’s giving…the boss’ favorite assistant.

Speaking of pot stirring, Brandon M and the brunch babes (like seriously, how many have y’all had this season already? Like four?) should have stuck to their bottomless mimosas. Are the brunches to drown out the sadness? Everett W. was moving mountains to put up their only TD of the day. At least they’re making sure they have a FUN season!

It’s giving…sponsored by Shaw’s Tavern.