Power Rankings

ALL TIDE UP Flattens Dune as Coral Coasts to Victory

Sand’s rush fails to shift sand’s fate as coral washes over dune in surfside smackdown.

This team is, predictably and statistically, ranked number one. I really have nothing left to say besides may the odds be in literally everyone else’s favor.

ARCH YOUR BLACK Squeezes Tang Bang Dry in Latest Juicy Blowout

Penny Makes Family Proud as Honeycutt Kills It with Kindness

This is the unity ticket of power teams: Leadership, organizational drive and just enough flair to easily earn them a top four position.

FOAM FATALES Win Tsunami of Points as Naughty Nauti Boys Sink Fast

Macpherson Suffers Fatal Defeat Week After Mother’s Visit; Riotta-Rogers Calls Out Binder’s ‘Flat Ass,’ Somehow Still Earns Sportsperson Award

Personally speaking, this is one of my favorite teams yet: I mean, we’ve got athletes, hotties and even a few fellow fashionistas. I have no doubt you’ll be seeing us in the championships.

SPILL THE COYO-TEA Serves Up Steaming Defeat to Dirty, Filthy Whore D’oeuvres

Coyote Team Gives Body Tea and Touchdowns in Latest Victory

Between Dwaylan’s body tea (waist where?!) and BB’s men’s bra version of the DCGFFL uniform, it was admittedly difficult to pay attention to anything sports-wise for this team. But I’m very much excited to continue watching them sail their way to victory over these dirty, filthy, no good whore…do’oeuvres.

LAVENDER GAYZE Clouds Uncut Gems in Fog of Victory

Lavender Floats to Victory in High Scoring Game Against Unpolished Gems

A top-tier team with some raw, hidden talent scattered throughout. Let’s see if this crew of youngins can climb the corporate ladder!

BUMP A LITTLE LIME Gets Zesty After Squeezing Victory Out of Kelly Green

Lime Shines Bright as Kelly Suffers Bitter Taste of Defeat

This team feels deeply unpredictable to me. It’s like chasing rail tequila with a shot of lime - we’ll hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

50 SHADES OF SLAY Edges Out PikaCrew in Deeply Close Call

Dark Gray Slays Path to Victory After Defeating Unprepped Pokemon

Will this team be able to hold its own when it comes up against a championship-level challenger, or crawl back into the dark and shady hole it came from?

TROP DEAD GORGEOUS Death Drops Milk and Pookies in Tropical Beatdown

Gorgeous Athletes Defeat Stale Cookie Cutter Team as White Left Spoiled Rotten

This team has charm, athleticism and some very solid facial hair. But can drop dead gorgeous looks win a trophy? We shall see.

BLUE LIGHT DISTRICT Shines, RED WINE SUPERNOVAS Whine

Cardinals Ferment in Defeat After Getting Corked in Close Finish

I’m excited for this team, which features one of my favorite straight quarterbacks and a few solid athletes. Maybe they’re ranked halfway because I’m hoping to push them to further victory. Or maybe it’s because I’ve played with Garrett and I’m aware of his shortcomings.

(That was a long wind up for a throwaway short king joke.

NAUGHTY NAUTI BOYS No More: Foam Soaks Up Nautis in Seafoam Slam

Riotta-Rogers Calls Mrs. MacPherson Following Game to Discuss Son’s Embarrassing Defeat; What’s Next for the Family Football Dynasty?

This team’s quarterback is the All-American dream, but his team hasn’t yet found it’s all-star footing. Hoping a little tough love gives them the boost in confidence needed to secure a spot in the championships. The season is still young, unlike many on this team of aging athletes!

DUNE TOO MUCH Swept Over as Coral Stays Afloat and Sand Crumbles Under Pressure

Sand Slips Through the Cracks as All Tide Up Reigns Supreme

How you Dune? This team has one of the best rushers in the league, a mix of height, strength and stamina, and a quarterback who truly slays if he can just get the ball out of his damn hands in under 30 minutes.

UNCUT GEMS Lost in the Fog as Lavender Haze Rolls Through to Victory

Gems Left Dazed and Dusty in Dazzling Defeat as Lavender Haze Glistens

This is a fun team, with some very attractive men, so I should be careful how I choose my words. Perhaps a few diamonds in the rough will emerge this season, but unfortunately I’m not predicting a championship spot for y’all. Best of luck tho cuties.

MILK & POOKIES Spoiling Fast and Looking Crummy After Multiple Ls

Santa Don’t Want These Pookies: Can Team White Rebuild After Soggy Showing?

I was rooting for you, we were all rooting for you! Y’all better turn things around and give us a white Christmas by the end of the season! Or at the very least, a white Russian. (I’m running out of puns here, guys.)

RED WINE SUPERNOVA Gets Lit Up and Pours One Out After Close but Crushing Defeat

Team Red Falls Flat and Blue Light District Turns the Tables , Leaving Red Wine Swirling

These supernovas are about to burn out unless they can lick their wounds and come back from the bottom of the bottle. Pour another cup of red and get out there, boys!

TANG BANG Left Juiced and Jaded after Arch Your Black Comes From Behind

Tang Bang Flattened in Fruity Fashion, Proving Commercially Attractive Looks Only Get You So Far

Maybe this team should leave the cleats on at their next tang bang in order to squeeze in a practice before week three?

KELLY GREEN Left Reeling as Bump a Little Lime Serves Up a Sour Finish

Bump a Little Lime Zips Past Kelly Green in Tangy Tussle

This was a rough one for you guys, no easy way to put it. Maybe the low ranking will make you green with envy for a few more Ws. I’m not banking on it, though.

WHORE D’OEUVRES Left Feeling Downright Dirty and Despicable After Disgusting Defeat

No Good, Filthy Whore D’oeuvres Face Another Humiliating Defeat, Bringing Shame to Their Families

I would never want to shame a sex worker, but these whore d’oeuvres should probably stick to their day jobs.

PIKACREW, I Definitely Don’t Choose You After Crushing Loss

Pika, Pika! PikaCrew Suffers Yet Another Defeat

Ash is probably wondering whether he can return some of his loose pokeballs after the first few weeks of this season with the PikaCrew. Fear not, you untrained pikachus: There are plenty of Charizards on this league who can show you how to throw some real fire on the field. See you at the pokegym.