Power Rankings

Pop Girl: Madonna

A step above the rest in more ways than one—advanced, aging, and adorned in pearls. This team has seen it all, done it all, and continues to do it better than most. Like Madge herself, their experience makes them dangerous, and they have no plans to let the younger girls eat. Sure, there’s some wear and tear, and yeah, they may need a little extra warm-up time, but once they start voguing, it’s over for you.

Pop Girl: Kylie Minogue

You can’t explain it. You just feel it. Like a gay cockroach, they refuse to die. Time and time again, they step onto the field, and suddenly, it’s Padam Padam. The other teams may underestimate them, but one well-placed pass, and you’re screaming in the club. The track record doesn’t lie: they come back, they win, and they leave you gagged.

Pop Girl: Chappell Roan

Campy. Dramatic. Stubborn. But also… an underdog on the rise? This team came to entertain, but they’re also fully capable of snatching wins when you least expect it. You may laugh now, but when the playoffs roll around? You’ll be gagged.

Pop Girl: Rihanna

Oh, you thought they’d just fade into the background? Please. Like Rihanna at the Super Bowl, they are effortless, unbothered, and somehow still dominating. This team is taking wins while barely breaking a sweat, serving confidence with a side of “Do I even need to try?” They may ghost the regular season, but when the playoffs roll around, they’ll be standing on the metaphorical Navy ship, pregnant with another championship.

Pop Girl: Beyonce

Houston Hometown Royalty. This team has had to fight, claw, and sweat for their flawless track record—because perfection isn’t given, it’s earned. Two weeks in, and they are serving Renaissance Tour precision while the rest of you struggle to hit the 8-count. Can they keep it up? That’s the million-dollar question. But remember: Beyoncé doesn’t lose. She just prepares for a comeback.

Pop Girl: Christina Aguilera

It’s giving Dirrty. You think they’re done? Think again. Just when you count them out, they’re back with an entirely new face, body, and playbook. This team is full of heavy hitters, powerhouse plays, and a high note you can’t ignore. The question is: can they keep the momentum, or will they be left in the Back to Basics bargain bin?

Pop Girl: Lorde

A team teetering between brilliance and breakdown. One moment, they’re serving Pure Heroine perfection—the next, they’re on their Melodrama arc, spiraling into existential crisis. They’re an undeniable mainstay, a guilty pleasure, and a fan favorite, but honey… these hoes ain’t royal until they prove they can win when it counts.

Pop Girl: Camila Cabello

Individually? Questionable. As a team? Potential Top Four. Much like Fifth Harmony, they thrive in a group effort—but when left solo, it gets… dicey. They’re sneaky, scrappy, and have a sleeper-hit energy about them. But are they more “Havana” smash-hit or “Don’t Go Yet” flop? TBD.

Pop Girl: Cynthia Erivo

A powerful, witchy presence. They don’t always get the glory, but you do not want to go up against them in a battle. Every week is a performance, every game a Tony-winning moment. They may not have a flawless track record, but their defense is Defying Gravity.

Pop Girl: Nicki Minaj

Dramatic. Loud. A little chaotic. But undeniably legendary. Just when you think they’re flopping, they come back swinging with a record-breaking W. The question isn’t whether they’ll be in the finals—it’s whether they’ll self-sabotage before they get there.

Pop Girl: P!nk

Plays hard, goes hard, kicks ass. But winning? Not always a guarantee. They’re here to fight, climb walls, and throw themselves into the game, but can they clinch a championship, or are they just swinging from the rafters?

Pop Girl: JoJo Siwa

Still figuring themselves out. Obnoxious, unruly, unpredictable. But you can’t look away. Whether they end up in the top rankings or an absolute mess, one thing is certain: they will be talked about.

Pop Girl: Ke$ha

A comeback story in the making. Will they rise from the ashes and reclaim their throne? Or are we all just “Praying” for a miracle?

Pop Girl: Sabrina Carpenter

You espresso, but do you depresso? The girls came for the drama, not the drinks, and so far, you’re giving lukewarm at best. Pick it up or get left on read.

Pop Girl: Nicole Scherzinger

The talent is undeniable—but much like Pussycat Dolls, they’re a one-man show, and it’s holding them back. Pass the damn ball, sis.

Pop Girl: Zendaya’s Pop Career

Unfortunately, no one asked for it. The talent is there, but does anyone actually care?

Pop Girl: Meghan Trainor

They have the tools. They have the talent. But where are the results? Everyone is waiting for them to deliver, but so far, it’s all bass, no treble.

Pop Girl: Carrie Underwood

You can’t blame cheating for these losses. Someone smashed all four tires on their season, and now they’re praying for divine intervention.