Power Rankings

As the dull murmur of “ugh, not another straight quarterback” has started to grow louder with each passing week, this team remains my very unbiased pick for top of the league. Despite what their team name suggests, these pearls have continued to pull it out each weekend.

They may be benefiting from 3 opposing QBs conveniently being out of town the first 5 weeks of their football schedule but THEY’RE REALLY GOOD I PROMISE.

It’s giving…rigged by the commissioner.

I’m giving this team the silent but deadly award for remaining the only other undefeated team but doing it so casually and quietly - like the many DL masc bros we all know too well. But avast! There be stormy seas ahead. Most of their games have remained fairly close, so it’s only a matter of time before this ship hits the rocks and sinks - or their deep, intensely personal secret is discovered!

It’s giving…headless torso pic.

According to all who observed, this game was UG-LY. About 1,000 penalties later, these boys and girls were able to eek out a win after both sides were thoroughly annoyed with each other and the refs. In other news, it seems age is finally catching up to JC as there’s ALWAYS something wrong with his arm whenever he throws the ball straight into the grass instead of his receivers.

Honorable mention to Zach M for being the biggest cheerleader for his team but also for nearly becoming the first forever family member in league history to have refs throw a flag on him. (No, they can’t actually do that…right?)

It’s giving…nobody fucking with my clique.

This team might need to go into business together and open up a restaurant because these sushi rolled all over Cardinal this weekend. While they are all too excited to explain what their name means to anyone who will listen to show they know *relatively* modern references - they’re also proving that raw may be, in fact, better.

It’s giving…staying relevant.

This lean, green, fighting machine has quietly climbed up these rankings one week at a time. After knocking Neon Yellow off the top perch in their division, they’ll be looking to claim the top spot for themselves next weekend in a match against Royal - who is also sporting a 3-1 record. They will also attempt to avoid being told to turn their music down by families at the kids playground.

It’s giving…noise violation.

To the casual passerby, this game could have easily been confused for a casual pickup game between friends for how chill and uneventful it was for the majority of the playtime. Given their roster, this is actually not surprising in the slightest. Just a bunch of chill dudes. Though they also politely request to never play on field 4 again. Ever.

It’s giving…intramural.

A controversial block on their last offensive drive of the game turned an already tight match into a screaming match between the aristocracy and the peasants in Orange. Undeterred, the ruling class made sure that the naysayers were subsequently and swiftly dealt with before it could go any further. And yet again, the oligarchy reigned supreme.

It’s giving…top of Bernie Sanders’ hit list.

With a valiant effort and a near game-winning drive at the end, this train was not a wreck but did not become unstoppable this weekend. (Though they did stop my pinky from functioning..) Several great catches by Juan and Kevin kept the momentum up on offense - and while they never derailed on defense they just barely got outsped by their opponents.

It’s giving…dark horse.

A poem for the cultured among us:

This team maintained a contested game

With long offensive drives.

Until they were stopped. By who? By the lot…

Those monarchs in front of the goal line.

“Oh, no, no, no” said those pesky queens,

“only THESE hoes get to reign supreme.”

Orange tried to protest, but were forced to stay pressed

When they were suddenly shoved aside.

It’s giving…maintaining the status quo.

Carried by the birthday boy himself, these bottoms came out on top this weekend. By the end of the second half, they took full ownership of those Apricocks like it was their job. But it takes two to tango so they could also be seen later at Shakers in various states of lucidity after their team brunch with Neon Orange.

It’s giving…*power* bottoms.

Weighed down by low turnout and a few hangovers, the Apricocks found they couldn’t keep up the energy for the full game. They did, however, find plenty of energy to go to brunch afterward.

It’s giving…priorities.

Struggling with a fairly uneven performance so far this season, the Foamboys faced yet another setback by handing Sand their first win of the season. However, I expect one week off will give them enough fo(a)mo that they’ll earn another big W come next weekend.

It’s giving…inconsistency.

The AJ and Twon machine has been opened. Enemies of the heir beware.

It’s giving…redux.

OK, I have heard next to nothing about this team all season. I’ve barely even SEEN most of this team. Where y’all at? Are you alive? Did you forget to wear your Life Alert?

It’s giving…voyeurism.

With both Purple and Carolina looking to snag their first win this week, the Modest Expectations were able to pull through and get their first W. Brandon was seen holding down the Managing Expectations’ defense and as usual Austin was dashing around to keep the Living Up to Expectations’ victory hopes alive. While the championship may seem out of reach right now for the Unrealistic Expectations, there is still time for them to evolve into the Exceeds Expectations and make a surprise run in the end.

It’s giving…fine wine.

I can’t relate to desperation but fresh off a talented supplemental pick, the coffee connoisseurs were hoping to secure their first win this weekend. They didn’t quite achieve that but they did show they still have some fight in them, holding Gray to a closer game than their last. Maybe a tad more caffeine will finally jolt them to a victory?

It’s giving…decaf.

On paper, this team should be so solid but they haven’t been able to lock in so far this season, with the only points in the first half of the game coming off Andre running back an INT during a conversion. By the time the second half rolled around it was far too late to mount a comeback.

It’s giving…back injury.

After a leisurely honeymoon away (which looked fabulous btw!), Brandon was so excited to return to football without having to quarterback for the first time since the Stone Ages. Instead, he looked like he was still on vacation as he got sacked numerous times by Coral’s rush. Whenever this team does a full-scale audit, I hope they start to embody more of the “wrath” part of their namesake and less of the “sloth” part.

It’s giving…child picking flowers on the field.