Power Rankings

35-6 in Week 1. As annoying as it is for me to award Little Miss Dick-Tater Tot JC the title of reigning Power Ranking champion, it is my joy to bestow that same honor onto his much better half, Captain Dawson, who could theoretically (and single-handedly) lead his team to an undefeated season. Here’s hoping for you and you alone, babe!

This team saw the trees through the forest and won comfortably (32-12) with that D1 spirit, chiseled jawlines and can-do attitude. Sapphire is weak competition for a Top Four gangbanger, but these girls did what a top team should do: win big and look unbothered while doing so.

Well, well, well - JC may have been wrong about you guys! I personally love to see a bottom-barrel, low-ranking preseason team destined for failure rise to semi-mediocrity. By handing us one of the most impressive upsets of the weekend, you guys turned oranges into screwdrivers and gave a truly lit performance on the field. Brava, queers!

Rookie QB Matt Ramsey actually knows what he’s doing, which is annoying for the rest of us. Beating Purple by one point still counts, babes.

Ramsey led his team to victory against a preseason Top 3 team (wrong again, f*cker!) in a highly-anticipated and closely-watched game. The win matters more than the margin in this case. And we may be getting hustled - per a source: “Turns out he played QB in high school in Iowa - a fact maybe some people knew but that I think many did not.”

Factual? Who knows! Interesting tea? Not really! Moving on? Sure!

This team put up 34 points and won by 10, showing some depth and a bit of edge to their game. Coral did help with endless drops, but scoring that much is still solid. The Lynch-Jordan A. connection is going to be a dangerous one.

41 points, zero defense, everyone’s drunk by brunch. Basically business as usual. This team scored among the highest points of the week - and yes, white’s defense was nonexistent, but the production value here earns this rising global powerhouse girl group mid-high placement. Screw BlackPink - it’s officially NeonPink in your area!

Toxic, messy and yet somehow successful in achieving their goals - the Sniffies trifecta. This team won a high-scoring shootout. Messy execution but ultimately effective. The defense was questionable, but they pulled out a win over a decent opponent.

They’re calling it the “game-stealing sack,” and yet you would have no idea I was even on the field this weekend if you checked the league Flickr account. News flash to our dear photographers: Instead of snapping 4,000 pictures of the same three quarterbacks, focus on those of us giving you GOLD with every play. You’ll be hearing from my lawyers.

Anyway, shout out to me for once again throwing the team on my back and leading us to victory. I think some players did some stuff at other times, but that really didn’t contribute to our success or anything.

Defensive strategy: “girl, let’s just vibe it out.” Their offense clearly works, but the defense is tragic, so they land mid-tier.

A narrow one-point loss. This team clearly has talent (here and there) but very sloppy execution in their first games, which ultimately kept them from taking home a W. Better luck next time!

Claimed “Final Four energy” in the preseason, but Navy had them looking like a JV scrimmage. They only lost by two, but given their veteran status and Navy’s low expectations, this was a bad look. Sloppier than the score. Enjoy the group therapy session.

Scored 24, but the drop issues were glaring (10+ in one game). Hard to place higher when their biggest enemy was themselves.

Still the friendliest team at mixers, just not the scariest one on fields. The brunch squad strikes again.

These guys were fun to beat. They didn’t look bad, but nothing about their performance read “serious contender” to me. The poppers’ fumes seemed to get to their heads by the second half, allowing us to learn their strategies and sack their poor little quarterback like it was light work.

If only there was photo evidence of my contributions.

“Crashout Kings” ** ** Juan balled out while AJ spiraled, and the whole thing felt like watching Housewives argue with production. Entertaining, but not playoff-ready. This team’s total collapse and in-fighting tanked their stock but was deeply amusing to watch. Scoring isn’t enough when the vibes are imploding, babe.

Daddy, chill!

35-6 and everyone’s knees still hurt on Monday. Their true sponsor is CVS Pharmacy.

Lost big, hopefully learned the rules and - if they’re smart - bought a return policy for those new cleats. You are the weakest links. Goodbye!