Power Rankings

Another robust and girthy performance from this team. Though they had the upside of playing a Gold team missing their QB, they still racked up the score with some 5 TD’s. Those of us one field over even got an eyeful of one Highlight Reel moment: Andrew G. shaking and baking his way into the endzone. We’re sending our well wishes to their felled Captain to be equally speedy in his recovery. Also, we’ve got a breakout rookie star in Gerel H, who’s joining us after playing in one other gay sports league (volleyball) — and kickball too. If there are any signs of impotence or performance anxiety in this team, we haven’t seen them yet.

The frog poses must be paying off, because these bottoms are looking powerful! As QB Cam astutely put it, this team’s path to success goes through drafting a bunch of bearded, backwards hat-wearing bros… basically, 4 Drew C.’s. The rookie still known to us only as The Hoyler Brother continues to be everywhere on the field, and together this team easily dispatched with Team Black. Tapping into a different form of strength from the Royal Hungness, the Froggy Bottoms are shaking and baking in their own way, and the result is some delicious cake. Grab a spoon, cause we feel like there’s a lot more to come!

Nothing beats a JetBlue Holiday… including ** ** Juan Burgundy. Once again, Lynch piloted the team to victory, fresh off a full game in the women’s+ league just minutes earlier (does she ever get tired?). Cedric R. made his season debut and immediately proved to be vers-atile, snatching an interception and dropping multiple touchdowns flawlessly. And let’s talk about Ken G., who showed he’s more than just eye candy by securing his first touchdown of the season. With this mix of hustle, heart, and just the right amount of drama, this crew looks fully cleared for takeoff.

All hail Captain (ok, QB) Kirk! Winning a game without one’s primary QB is always an impressive feat, and this team (narrowly) pulled it off. The Chad M.-Quinn receiver combo is continuing to deliver results for this team, and Kirk was smart to rely on them to make him look good. Yes Sapphire gave y’all a run for your money, but you found a way to win and we pinky swear that’s important.

OK look, your team name is really, really awful. What are you pinky swearing to? With whom are you swearing it? Is there some pinky-kink community that the rest of us don’t know about? Are you keeping the meaning of this name like a secret, or keeping it like an oath? We’re clearly perturbed and disturbed by this, but long as you keep the Ws coming, it probably won’t matter.

Yes it’s no surprise that this team, with the return of QB Oriya, beat Iron Gray. But it’s how they did it, plumping and dumping all over this field. With a stat sheet so long it would make some of us blush, Oriya spread the ball around extremely effectively while giving a signature pick-6, Louie netted 3 sacks, and rookie Clay had a breakout performance on both sides of the ball (welcome to the stage after your redshirting!). This team is a threat y’all, and we better watch out: maybe they just mercy ruled the other team so they could notch their tally mark and move on to the next one quicker.

You’ve gotta hand it to them: this team solved last week’s problem of losing by not scoring in the second half by … winning by not scoring in the second half. New Foam, same as the Old Foam? Well, fortunately for them, just about everything else was different from the prior week. They came out looking far more confident, poised, and coordinated and stunned us Petty Officers with enough shots across the bow to take a 2-score lead that they held onto for much of the game. Veteran QB Austin P.’s increased utilization of Jamal L. looked a big part in that turn of fortunes. Though they almost managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory by that nailbiter end of the game, they showed that at least this time, Defense really does win games. And that, by Week 2, there already may be a New Foam in town.

Well, we brought the gametime drama to y’all, if not the petty. My fellow officers and gentlemen came into this game buoyed by last week’s upset win. But down some of our bunkermates, we just couldn’t get our sea legs in the first half, especially on the attacking side of the ball, leaving us down 2 scores by the end of it. Nevertheless, we looked back in our habit by Act II and had the wind in our sails: QB Andre B. fired some great torpedoes to his group of veteran receivers -–notably including rookie-veteran receiver Chad H.—, got a pick of his own, and we were looking in ship-shape to eke out a W, getting to the red zone with seconds left on the clock. Alas, these seamen just couldn’t finish – but watch out y’all, we’re simply frothing at the mouth for more. Oh-ficially.

Oh, and my biggest regret in my team’s loss is that League Mom Margie H. had to see it in her new role as Shadow Ref (and looking stunning in the zebra print!). I have dishonored you, Mother, and I will now be committing seppuku.

In this week’s Team Black vs. Team Green showdown, the Hightower banner came out on top. SuperGing Josh netted a couple TD’s for this team, and Austin A. brought the pressure on D. Despite that, and despite this team’s cloying “Let’s Go Baddies” chants on the sidelines, their troops were largely in disarray. Also, we hear Team Black has lost even more of its dragons (or maybe they’re the dragon riders, idk) to injury. Again sending well wishes for their recovery, and maybe some new eggs will hatch for you in the Supplemental draft!

Backup QB Nick W. stepped up and into the pocket for this team admirably, especially given they were against the dominant force of the Royal Hungness. And we’re told that Mike H. proved that daddies can still be a threat on those fields (ahem ahem, Iron Gray)! They couldn’t spin straw into gold this time, but given the givens, winning this game would’ve truly been the stuff of fairy tales. With this team’s continued overperformance at Sunday Funday, win or lose, we’d say they didn’t seem too pressed about it either. Oh, and you won’t find last week’s PR author represented in the Week 2 Flickr album, and by no fault of our unpaid League photographers. Maybe he was off recruiting some NYC paps in hopes their cameras will follow him down to Carter Barron?

On a final note, this author had to google the team name to attempt to make sense of it and the results… left me every bit as mystified as when I started.

The Jacks of(f) All Trade lived up to their name this week, pulling out a gritty 32-25 win under the steady command of Captain Phillips. Forget Tom Hanks… this Captain is the one calling the shots now, and the ship belongs to him… at least for this week. QB Aldrian did get a “little” testy and yelled at some of his receivers. Although he did provide them with a half-hearted apology on the sidelines and used being “locked-in” as his excuse. However, a few of his throws were intercepted… so perhaps he has a different definition of “locked-in” than the rest of us.

It’s spooky season and the Jock-O’ Lanterns proved to be frightening on the field this week. This crew proved they don’t have Halloween magic… they have Andy A. He was everywhere, snagging touchdowns, tossing conversions, and generally making life miserable for the Collared Queens’ defenders. QB Hunt spread the ball around, racking up touchdown throws even while taking a couple of sacks, to add a little pumpkin spice to their game. Will the Jock-O’ Lanterns be terrifying or terrified next week… we shall see.

The Collared Queens were no match for the Jock-O’ Lanterns pumpkin spice taking their win streak from 1 to 0. This week, Kevin H showed that he likes it both ways by doing well on offense AND defense. Unfortunately, this wasn’t enough to secure the win and these queens did not come home with the crown. The committee would also like to humbly request this team follow in the footsteps of the distinguished collared Queen Elizabeth and get a full set of Elizabethan wigs for wig day.

Under the D… more like under the influence. This team was clearly too hungover from the night before at Shakers. However, they tried to continue last night’s party on the field with their giant speaker. It might be time for a new playlist on that speaker and maybe that’s just what that team needs to break their losing streak. DCGFFL NEWS caught up with Captain Morgan (ba dum tsss) before the game and he expressed full confidence in their ability to pillage, plunder, and take the win. After the game, he could not be reached for comment.

“Juan” day this team may actually bring home a win… but only if the rest of the roster remembers they’re allowed to play too. With Juan doing ALL of the scoring, this matchup looked less like football and more like a one-man show titled “Juan vs. Light Blue.” Ron Burgundy said it best: “Stay classy,” but for this crew, it’s more like “stay watching Juan do everything.”

We’ll use this opportunity to once again distinguish ourselves from last week’s review, which was so nasty and rude to this team. Sure, as of this writing, the gems are looking a little rough and uncut (not that there’s anything wrong with that!), and losing to a team missing its QB isn’t the most encouraging outcome. But we think with some polish, you’re bound to win a game or two! Shade aside, Sir Michael of the Flowing Locks is continuing to eat on both sides of the ball (we note TJ having been heavily guarded by Pink), and you’re starting to tap into some solid rookie talent too. This game was a very, very close one, and we’re seeing signs of life stirring in this Coochie yet.

We get it, as with RuPaul herself, the old jokes about this team basically write themselves. Hell, they wrote one themselves. So we won’t do that – that would just be tired and worn-down from overuse. Plus, they could use some mercy after that game, which by all accounts, was a bit of a nail in the coffin — so we’ll spare you the play by play. Instead, we’ll speak to all the wonderful things your favorite daddy can be: reliable, sturdy, supportive, and most importantly, generou$$. Give us more of that, pleeease daddies? PS - We’re told one of their only bits of joy and youthful energy here came from . . . the players’ children on the sidelines, which honestly tracks.