Power Rankings

Oh boy, another Ben Hunt team leading the league in points scored this weekend? Where have we heard this before? With so many options at receiver, whether it’s Captain Paul, Drew, Cash, etc. it’s no surprise Teal Team Dix had a mission to accomplish, they came, and they executed. And this Captain and QB pair have made it their mission to redeem their ill-fated journey to the top last spring. The only easy day was yesterday, but yesterday they only won by 3 so the road to the top is filled with peril.

We are glad to see Cash not only survived more than one half of one game this season but snag the first MVP for his team! We’ll check in on bodily integrity again next week with the Cash or Crash Report, Sundays at 8.

At times, it looked like Cam M. was just out there playing catch. His talented corps of receivers—Twon H., Everett W., Zach G. and we guess Tyler L. (it’ll take more than one MVP to quiet us naysayers)—usually had no one within 10 yards of them. When a center scores from 40 yards out, you know it’s an easy defensive day. And the Lime defense looked solid enough, notching a few stops and a couple picks. But the standouts from this group were the rushers. Rookies Terrill T., Branden S., and Cowie understood the assignment. These Chartreusive Thots broke through Light Blue’s psyche and were living in the quarterback’s head rent-free. The team looked pretty complete. We’ll see how they match up against a full squad, but for now we’re thinking happy Thots.

With a combined age of 489 years (this is not a joke), we knew this team had the experience. And Mark H. was flexing that experience in leading his Joint Chiefs of Shaft, launching dimes to Bryan W., crossers to Eddie M., and extra points to Josh E. Unfortunately, he also showed his, um, experience during an attempted spin move that took approximately twelve seconds longer (and looked much more painful) than it would have a few seasons ago. Mark and Marvin W. connected for four touchdowns and combined for three picks—a miracle considering their combined age is older than microwave ovens! They benefitted from playing a talented Gold team that didn’t have its quarterback, but if this team can keep getting contributions from its whole roster (including cheers from DCGFFL icon Kori), these Joint Chiefs could be orchestrating a change at the top of our power rankings.

With Twon seeing other quarterbacks this season, AJ found a new connection (soulmate?) in his rookie Curtis S., who caught a touchdown and helped out with a pick. (Reports suggest that he may have brought his previous night out on the town with him to the field, which explains why his seam routes had a bit of wobble to them…) Pair that with an MVP performance from Mark J., two sacks from rookie Ben V., and yet another season of “pitch Michael B. the ball and let him be faster than everyone,” and this team was able to secure a win in the first Game Of the Week of Season XXX. The league might want to Pray Gray Away, but this team looks like it’s here to stay.

With several of their more senior players checking in for a stay at the Shady Birches Retirement Community for Lower Extremity Rehabilitation (send postcards to Zo and Jeremy!), the Haus of Martini went into the game short-staffed but not outmanned. Their performance didn’t receive 10’s, 10’s, 10’s across the board, but the dolls love a ball and remained consistent throughout. Maybe once their retirees return (and not just kiki on the sidelines) they’ll put together an unforgettable ensemble worthy of their distinguished family legacy. Also asking a question, for a team with so many big, we’ll say *wise* personalities, who is the Matriarch of the Haus of Martini? Discuss.

Seen at the bar afterward: JC sporting a new cast for his broken finger while staring longingly at the nacho stand at Crush. He’ll claim he’s getting beach body ready for the summer then go get two deluxe meals at Taco Bell afterward.

Luis wants everyone to celebrate his first start at quarterback. Go Luis! Except (1) he had a better winning percentage last year as a backup than most of our travel QBs (including when he only had 6 players…) and (2) that man doesn’t play QB, he plays point guard. Luis dodges, ducks, dips, dives, and dodges until someone gets open enough for him to lob a little entry pass. But I’ll be damned if he’s not a winner–and a distributor. Like a night at the Uproar roof deck, he had fun with all his Deep Woods Daddies, as Charles, Alex, Ricky, and Gerel all scored (😉). They made it look easy… even if it didn’t exactly look like football.

White is in trouble. Only 13 points against a Cobalt down a few key players, including their QB, SEVEN interceptions and STILL only 2TDs? White also played with a backup QB but, unlike their opponents, that QB regularly leads teams on Sundays–and does a damn good job of it! This crew of lead-footed veterans is going to need to go back to the drawing board, throw out the play book, tell Delilah it’s not going to work out, she’s in New York City and you have a recreational football league to train for, and get back to the basics of the game - like catching the ball (when it’s thrown by your OWN team). And throw Lisa the damn ball–she’s the only Plain White Tease who runs a 40 yard dash that we can measure in seconds rather than minutes. We rank White this high solely due to a lack of data at the moment but we expect things could change dramatically if they don’t course correct soon!

Energized after ranking 18th out of 16 teams in the pre-season rankings, Purple came back with something to prove. And they definitely proved… that this team is held together entirely by the brothers Mahoney – who were responsible for all their points scored this weekend. Captain Jordan *edged* out all three of Atomic’s safeties to keep Purple ahead most of the game, but these Indigooners enjoyed letting Atomic poke those holes in their defense throughout the day. Just to keep things exciting, they made sure to go into overtime to make sure it lasted just a little bit longer - until they finally finished on top.

Despite their clear discomfort at coming up with a bit too timely of an atomic or bomb related cheer on the field (now’s not the time, folks), the good boys showed lots of enthusiasm on the field. Literally, they were able to field a full team of 7 for field setup duty at 8AM (I think that may be a league record). Unfortunately, that enthusiasm still left them 1 point short of a win in overtime.

Living up to their reputation, this team is already prioritizing how kind they can be by focusing on making friends on the field and letting other folks win (aren’t they so NICE?). Overheard at Crush after the game: “That was just a fun game, like a really fun game. I want every game to be like that game.” - Vinny on the other team. It’s giving sportsmanship award.

The *team that shall not be named* Kelly had a hard fought game with top ranked Seafoam this week. This team is anchored by consistent, if somewhat underrated, league threats. Kevin, Chad, and Michael A all put up points before friendly fire brought down their receiver core mid-game. Hopefully with a quick recovery, they’ll bounce back soon – maybe this time with a name we can actually say? Kelly has so many options…I’ll even give you a few for free: You Ain’t Ready for This Kelly, MachiaKelly, We Secretly Love Our Kelly. I could go on. But no. We the committee fully expect some serious surprises come St. Patrick’s Day weekend based on your ACTUAL name.

The other band of brothers was not as fortunate this week. I’m looking for stats not attached to Chad or Daniel *the elder* – not working. First-time Captain Grafton left his team out to dry this weekend by fleeing *allegedly for work* to Spain. Maybe with more assertive leadership, the team will pick up QB Daniel *the younger’s* upward trajectory from last season and come out with a W. But for now they’re lox-ed and confused.

A Taco Bell taco

The name on everybody’s lips! This girl shot up the rankings this week. Just like your toxic ex - you won’t admit it but you just can’t quit it, and that makes you sick to your stomach. How high will she rise in the rankings this season as she makes her way from one DCGFFLer to the next? Will her DCGFFL body count be higher than [redacted]? Stay tuned to find out!

Redactions are very in these days – but if you know, you know.

What happens when you throw three interceptions in a half? Try to outdo yourself and throw four in the second half. Without their starting QB this week, Hoyler made an effort to step in and fill the void. Instead, he sabotaged the integrity of the league statistics he cares so much about by inflating the opposing team’s interception totals. Time for Commissioner Cam to finally get DCGFFL stat inflation under control. Despite these setbacks, their defense deployed several easing tools to keep sideline interest rates and inflated stats to a minimum - holding a middling-at-best band to a one score game.

Seen on the sidelines: Morgan saying under absolutely no circumstances will he swap in to QB and NOBODY can make him do it again.

Rookie QB Zach looked solid early when he was keeping it short and sweet. And it’s always a good idea to get Jordan the ball. But then something switched (too many cooks in the kitchen??) and the Blue Wake and Bakes were not cooking in the second half. But there’s reason for optimism! Marcus S. put the team on his back with two clutch sacks, and the Brandon R./Ryan W./Jordan A. receiving trio is going to keep a lot of defenses up at night. But is this roster all snacks and no meal? A mostly air-filled chip bag? After this Sunday, it is starting to look like this Blue Wake and Bake roster might be a munchies-motivated decision—a DoorDash order forgotten on the doorstep until the next morning or consumed by the DC rats. Let’s hope they can cook up something better next time. We’ll be here pouring one out for a lonely food bag that was lost too soon.

If you are a receiver on Maroon and Aaron B. threw a ball very hard at your person, you may be entitled to damages. Girl, we know you can throw hard—but the goal is to complete the pass into your receivers hands, not to embed it into their ribcage. You will be hearing from our clients’ lawyers. As well as our trauma surgeons. And our mommies. It looked like dodgeball out there. When Smiffy caught a pass, he was lifted ten yards in the air like he hit a landmine. Poor Trey’s sternum was in splinters after he was on the business end of a cone release. And we lost a good soldier after sweet, sweet Josh K. had to leave the game after a football created an exit wound through his torso. Luckily, Nick W. caught three passes in the endzone… granted, they were all on fields in Montgomery County, but the refs counted them. All this team needs is some small ball and a ban on large artillery weaponry (Aaron’s fastball) and they will be good to go!

With quarterback Matt R. gone, the Juan V.-led offense was… pretty decent! Hiding behind a meaty blocking corps of TJ C., Taylor L. and Ethan S., Juan set a record (probably) for longest ever drive by bleeding 21 minutes off the clock through dinks, dunks, and pixie dust. And Coke M., Kyle O. and the BluPaul receivers made some nice plays when Juan actually threw a ball downfield (presumably by accident). Unfortunately, their defense was about as present as their starting quarterback. Their corners lined up in Maryland. Their safeties had sashayed away. This is a good team, but if they’re going to survive, they’ll need to do more to display their charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and (especially) talent.

Look, it’s tough to shine without your quarterback. With Matt C. extending his DCGFFL sabbatical by one extra week, Pyrite’s offense looked a bit cheap against a tough Navy squad. But like iron disulfide, there were bright spots! Noah M. had an unreal one handed catch and scored by outrunning the Navy squad (which is less impressive when you learn the Navy team has a combined age that’s older than electricity; like, not even electric currents, literally the concept of electricity itself, I’m not making this up). And rookie Shray D. put in an MVP performance with a number of tough, one-handed catches—will someone tell this team they’re allowed to catch with two hands?? Don’t be fooled by Pyrite’s tough loss this week—when their quarterback returns, they might be the real deal.