Power Rankings

Between denials that he attempted to take out the younger Mahoney brother in front of his family to send Captain Jordan a message, Cam strung together more than enough receptions to easily show those gooners who’s the league mob boss. With the highest point differential in the league (more than 40 points ahead of the next closest competitor) the Thots are stacking up an intimidating operation where every player on their offensive lineup could be a threat, and their defense may take you out permanently. Twon, Everett, Tyler, Zach, Jens, the bench is deep and experienced… oh, and generally loud.

And if someone DOES beat them, I’d be concerned for their well-being. Cam Corleone doesn’t forget, and NEVER forgives. It’s giving strictly business.

With the return of the Plain White Tease QB, Oriya proved you don’t need every finger to give your opponents the finger. (You know, famous hot-head Oriya.) True to their name, the Tease flirted with giving it up after allowing Olive to come back from two scores down. But the payoff was worth it on a gorgeous game winning drive with the whole receiving corps getting in on the action. The committee may not have seen the vision before, but after winning three games with two different QBs and a roster that is full of playmakers—like Quinn, Andy P., Clem, and Lisa—we’re starting to think this Tease might amount to something real…. Or at least that’s what they want you to think. Damn flirts. It’s giving leading us on.

No matter how many dinky little floaty passes somehow barely make it over defenders’ anxious hands, we can’t deny that Luie-ball is working. We get it – the Luie–Charles connection is strong and, as of yet, unstoppable. Justin P. remains a strong presence on both offense and defense. Ademola A. snags TDs and PATs. Captain Alex D. is also there and totally chill about not getting many passes! All equally worthy of merit.

Luie was seen after games at Crush VERY confident his team will maintain their standing, if not win it all. I’m going to keep it cute and classy but for a team that’s won every game by less than a single score (against teams with a combined record of 1-8)… That’s all you need to win championships, but I will STILL be the first to say that this team is on shaky ground despite all appearances. It’s giving too big for their britches.

They say half the battle is showing up – for this team it’s apparently the whole battle. With a full slate of travel starters in their lineup you’d think they’d have this whole season by the *ehem* footballs. But that requires them to show up figuratively, and also literally. Apparently a herculean task.

The Committee could not reach QB JC for comment after his team’s devastating loss – but they DID hear that he has matured in his advanced age and will now requiring players to arrive 30 minutes early to get practice time. Now will HE actually arrive on time after a few martinis (rum and cokes) the night before? The world may never know. It’s giving a queen is never late, everyone else is simply early.

Three things are certain in life: death, taxes, and AJ will lead a high scoring team. Averaging over 30 points per game, it seems Pray the Gray Away has had its prayers answered with Captain Michael, Curtis, and Mark J. all putting together heavenly seasons. But the devil is in the defense—so far, they’ve been solid and are near the top of the league in interceptions! But when Gray plays a top offense, will the power of prayer be enough to keep opposing teams at bay? It’s giving leap of faith.

When the Joint Chiefs are not AWOL, they strike fear in the league’s hearts. Featuring the reunion roster of the 1973 DC Generals, it was great to see Marvin, BB, and Mark all on the same field in the era of color television, joined by fellow General alum Josh. The old (and we mean old) G5 members accounted for 21 of the team’s 27 points, with breakout rookie Brian also adding a touchdown. But the sidelines are still full of the walking wounded. In supplemental, the Joint Chiefs do not need another grizzled veteran—for the love of god, the committee BEGS you to please just pick someone young and healthy who will actually show up to your games. It’s giving Walter Reed.

Most teams lick their chops when they play a team without their quarterback. Pyrite’s Booty was almost licking their wounds. After going down two scores to standout QB (checks notes) Jonathan D., Matt did as he always does (decided to actually start playing elite football after a couple drives) and rallied his team back. Shray continued to prove himself, earning Rookie of the Week after playing single high safety (!), scoring a touchdown, and nabbing a pick—and, to the utter shock of the sideline, talking smack to Seafoam after. A 2-1 record sounds nice, but scratch the surface and this team beat one team with no wins and one team with no quarterback. It’s giving optical illusion.

With his commanding officer out of commission, Captain Paul (honorable discharge) returned to his station to lead his troops to another victory. With the help of Private Wilkins and Private Crane, the Teal Team launched a daring assault on that booty. Deputy QB Jonathan put on a show; not many starters (let alone backups) can put up 31 points in this league. All game long those Dix went up and down, back and forth, in and out – but ultimately Captain and all aboard went down with the ship. It’s giving craving Private Ryan.

First, they’re sour – Call a bomb squad because this ticking timebomb of a team decided to explode onto the scene this weekend – putting up the most points in the league. With Andre’s return, and a helpful assist from Cobalt’s offense gently tapping the ball to their opponents a few times, Austin connected with nearly every receiver from Zak, Chris D., to rookie Fortune to put up a few scores.

Then they’re sweet – True to their nature, these girls do love consent when anything ends up below (or more specifically AT) the belt. Patrick S. on Cobalt definitely would not consent to having his flags torn off – so Atomic politely let him run through all of their defenders during the second half kick return. It doesn’t take a genius to deduce that poor flag pulling skills (looking at you Tiger) could come back to haunt them later in the season. It’s giving “after you.”

After entering the season with towering expectations, Wyatt and Jordan have suffered back to back losses, leading us to wonder—is short king spring over? The passes were batted down. The catches were just out of reach. To make matters worse, rumors suggest that Wyatt is listed on the injury report as questionable after nibbling off the cuticles on his first half, second half, AND his emotional support fingers. But unlike the diminutive roster of the Indigooners, the 21-point differential was not as big as it looks. Purple was up 5 in the second half, and Lime tacked on a last second touchdown because they’re a**holes. If this team is going to grow into its lofty expectations, it will need to find a way to score late in games. Maybe supplemental will give them a boost? It’s giving growth spurt!

In between trips to Europe, Captain Andrew had just enough time to stop by Carter Barron to keep his team from losing their game. After getting smoked in the last two games, Lox and Loaded put together a critical rally during the second half (largely held together by one-man band Chad M) to help drag this team from a beautiful disaster to a mess success. Chad and the Daniel brothers have something cooking, but supplemental will get this team some much needed new ingredients. It’s giving girl dinner🎵.

In the Someone’s Gotta Win Bowl against then 0-2 Lox and Loaded, Blue Wake and Bake came up short. The bright spots? Michael H. made some key plays, proving you can still contribute even after 63 years in the league. And QB Zach “Gunslinger” Melgar continues to grow in the role! The bad news? This team might need to start throwing to someone not named Brandon R. if they want to win. For supplemental, we need to send in the reinforcements, because the way this team is getting cooked, it’s giving more bake than wake.

Taking a note from their team name, Cobalt got power drilled this weekend and not in the way that they usually like. In an act of blue on blue violence, the bombshells entered the villa, made themselves the alpha, and blew these girls out (also not in the way that they usually like).

Whether it was Patrick S. recovering from his half-marathon, Morgan recovering from a busted ankle, or Hoyler recovering from not being able to correct every questionable call by the refs, they could not string together enough of a fight to stay in the game. It’s giving ready to receive.

Let’s just pretend that the Irish team may have enjoyed the St. Patrick’s Day weekend bar crawl a little too much, leading to another close loss. I hope for their sake it wasn’t a result of too much of their namesake (though the streets are saying it could be!). Given the average age of this team, they’re probably loose enough and ready anyway. But don’t sleep on them—the combined record of their opponents is 8-1, two of the games have been decided by one possession, and Jim has put on a vintage performance this season to get his offense humming. Maybe a youthful, lively supplemental pick will be the young, naive, needy, and impressionable energy the team needs to finally secure a win. It’s giving Czech hunter.

This team misses their QB. Juan made another valiant effort on Sunday, but we haven’t yet developed the technology that would let him throw to himself (and, as Hoyler will remind you, completing passes to oneself is a violation of Rule 7.5.8 of the NGFFL rulebook). Despite a talented roster and TJ being on his best behavior, Light Blue was stifled again this week to drop to 0-3. Maybe in the supplemental, Juan will learn from his mistakes and draft people that aren’t just his besties? It’s giving BluPaul’s Best Friends Race.

Peenoh Noir? More like Peen-oh and Three (am I right??). After losing an exciting blend of close games, not close games, thrilling games, and boring games, this vintage has a full-bodied flavor of losing, with a bitter finish and notes of way too much talent to be this unsuccessful. Thankfully, supplemental gets them a chance to add even more talent to the mix. What do they say about too much of a good thing? It’s giving tannins, tannins, tannins across the board.