Power Rankings

Oh, you Sinners already know where you stand: VILLAIN. This was the easiest “villain” designation to hand out after witnessing their match up with Light Blue.

If you’re wondering how a team stacked with some of the kindest people in the league could possibly be the villains, let’s review a few of the cardinal sins they’ve committed this season: thou shall not bull rush, thou shall not draw thy opponent’s blood before halftime, thou shall not commit pass interference with that much enthusiasm…the list goes on.

So here we are, crowning them the villains, and there they are, finishing the regular season on top — with a bye, a target on their backs, and a trail of bodies (that they most certainly left bruised) quietly rooting for some team—literally any team—to knock them out during the playoffs.

Our second VILLAIN designation of the day goes to 🥁🥁🥁… Forest Green, because no one likes a crybaby!

Our resident constantly aggrieved and perpetually misunderstood team managed to finish the season as the second seed, the team with the greatest point differential, clinch the bye, and somehow still find time to gripe about the playoff schedule.

Still, credit where it’s due — the Grassholes have been one of the toughest, most consistent, and most dominant teams all season, managing to make every game a grind for their opponents (whether at full strength or running lean with players pulling double duty). But, beneath that mean, green, dominating exterior lives a tender “inner sprout” 🌱 still craving validation from the refs over a season’s worth of “missed” calls (validation we fear will never come…but hey, we’ve been wrong before!)

Anyways — enjoy your bye, Grassholes! You’ve earned the rest and, let’s be honest, probably a few things to complain about.

By default more than merit, we’re crowning Silver as the heroes in their matchup against Forest Green. We seriously considered giving both teams the villain designation, and while that could’ve been a nice plot twist, we ultimately opted to preserve narrative balance. So there you go, Chromies — this first halo’s all yours. 🫴👼

Their game against Forest Green was longer, more dramatic, and a little louder than it needed to be — but to be fair, most of the whining came from their opponents. And since we’re being fair, we’ll also go ahead and “retract” what we said in last week’s power rankings about Silver bringing too much physicality to their match up against Cardinal Red (for the reasons you’ve seen above…). Though, in our defense, it’s hard to take retraction requests seriously from a team whose quarterback literally took out a rusher last weekend and managed to receive ref calls none of us have ever heard of…two weeks in a row.

They may not have secured the bye, but if the playoff calendar rumors are true, the path forward might still work in their favor. Some might call that convenient. Others might call that luck. But we’ll call it what it is: board favoritism. 🙃

Another “hero” by default (courtesy of forfeit).

The Corn Stars walked away with the easiest and least impressive win of their season after Seafoam couldn’t field a team, and secured a little extra rest and recovery heading into playoffs.

They’ve got momentum, swagger, and versatility, so record aside, don’t be surprised if Corn stays in the championship conversation — and, depending on who you ask, at the center of a few conspiracy theories about that very convenient playoff schedule. 👀 After all, one team’s hero is another team’s villain, especially when you’ve got the golden child.

In a matchup that had everyone on the edge of their seats, Light Blue proved themselves the heroes in their game against Cardinal Red by nearly pulling off the upset of the season and giving everyone on the sidelines a good show.

If there was ever a game to remind the league (and its top seeds) that the mighty can, in fact, stumble, it was this one. Blue completely controlled the first half — multiple interceptions, relentless defensive pressure that shut down the Sinners drive after drive, and two touchdowns that had everyone on the sidelines whispering, “Wait… are they winning?” and “Seriously, by that much?!”

They even forced Cardinal’s Kori into their toughest performance yet — having to fight every instinct to sub themself in (despite being injured, in jeans, and without cleats) as they paced the sidelines watching their team end the first half down BAD.

Sure, Cardinal came back with a vengeance after the half, but that first-half beatdown delivered by Icy Hot was a reminder that anything can happen in the playoffs, and that the only thing to expect is the unexpected.

The Foamosexuals are the villains (by forfeit).

We were rooting for you! We were all rooting for you! But alas… Seafoam didn’t even make it to the field this week and handed Corn the easiest win of the season with a forfeit.

After a year defined by grit, good vibes, and a shocking number of injuries, this wasn’t exactly the storybook ending we hoped for — but it’s not surprising. Bodies are bruised and morale’s been tested, so we get it. Here’s hoping they can rest, recover, and rally in time for the postseason, because if there’s any team we trust to bounce back and bring the energy into playoffs, it’s the Foamies.