Season 23 Power Rankings: Week 7

1 I Run Gay (Iron Grey) 7-0

This team continued their streak of running gay to another W. I know Andy and Linda were riding high after this weekend and gave out every kid’s Halloween dream: full sized candy bars. This team is living its Ward 3 Palisades moneyed fantasy!

2 Foamosexuals (Seafoam Green) 6-1

They took a surprising L to Columbia Blue 2 weeks ago and this week they beat a 6-player Gold. I’m still skeptical they’re going to win it all, but I cannot deny that they’re the Miss Congeniality (read: fan favorite) this season. They gave out something chewy, juicy, and a little fruity: Starbursts.

3 Cocked & Loaded Limebackers (Lime) 6-1

This team eked out a W this weekend, putting them in a great position for playoffs, but we’ll see how well they’ll fare soon enough. They gave out Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on Monday. A candy that looks good nestled in a paper wrapper, but there’s something amiss with that grainy chocolate.

4 Not Another White Refrigerator (White) 6-2

Black pretty much demolished them but they then came out on top in their battle against Navy. In true Ben H fashion, I listened to y’all’s once ally-of-the-year give his team a stern lecture on “lane responsibility” and “flag pulls.” Then, of course, he was the one to get rocked by JC Adams with a hurt ankle, no less! This team gave out tootsie pops–that course outer shell takes forever to crack and once you do the middle is just disappointing.

5 Shady Birches (Forest Green) 5-2

Forest had a surprisingly weak showing against our bottom-ranked team this season. Are they going to get it together before playoffs or have they been spending too much time playing shuffleboard and pickleball at the Shady Birch Retirement Community? Like your grandma or auntie during a lengthy church sermon or Shayne at the mid-season party, they gave out werthers and strawberry bon-bons to trick-or-treaters.

6 Purple Pee Hole Eaters (Purple) 5-3

Purple took an L to Burnt Orange, and the team just descended into dysfunction, yelling at each other on and off the field. I’ve seen more cheer in a graveyard. They gave out only lemon warheads to trick-or-treaters.

7 Rock Hard (Graphite) 4-3

Graphite was stopped by Lime on a 4th down at the 5yd line. Hofberg threw a nice pass only to have Joe Owens miss it. Heartbreaker. Joe and Mark are the standard bearers of our little league, so they probably handed out fun-size Snickers on Monday. Can’t beat a classic, but can be a little underwhelmed by it.

8 Oh My Goth (Black) 5-3

They beat White this week with everyone cheering on the sidelines. Sanders and JC handed out Baby Ruths on Monday. They’re salty and sweet and get the job done, but there are better, more interesting options. (Real ones know it’s all about the Pay Day.)

9 Coral Fixation (Coral) 4-4

They managed to beat Sand this week in a very high scoring game. (Was anyone on D?) They probably handed out Sour Patch Kids on Monday: acerbic, tacky, and more than a little mouth-puckering.

10 Cerulean Gworls (Navy) 3-5

This team went 1-1 this weekend. The rush in their game against Royal was the best it has looked all season, more than flustering Royals QB, Wyatt. Their second game, however, was a version of “the floor is lava” with the ball being lava. Maybe run some routes, girls? Do some OTAs? Y’all do have to help your QB every now and then with a catch. This team kept that “mixed bag but gay” energy and handed out skittles.

11 Rick Royal'd (Royal) 3-5

They couldn’t quite connect on offense against Navy and went down 28-25. For their next game, though, they had a resounding W over Kelly. Much like their pop girlie obsessed QB, Wyatt, or their top player missing a key 2 point conversation (ahem Karson), there’s something unexpected about this team. They handed out raisinets.

12 Gold Dogs, New Tricks (Gold) 3-5

They went 1-1 this weekend with a W over Red and an L to Seafoam. On Monday, these “(g)old dogs” were handing out Ovaltine dressed up as candy: Whoppers.

13 The Red Light District (Red) 3-5

They went 1-1 this weekend with a W over Columbia Blue and an L to Gold. Japinga and Waggoner both have beef jerky tough dispositions and, as captain and QB, they are clearly not tightly braided together. Red gave out Twizzlers.

14 The Sandra Bullocks (Sand) 2-6

They scored a season best 38, but still couldn’t beat Coral. They gave out 3 Musketeers bars on Monday. A candy that—much like this team—is airy, whipped, and only slightly redeemed by its fun referential name.

15 Yam It In (Burnt Orange) 2-6

The Yams were able to hold it together to beat Purple and certainly kept the vibes positive and affirming. This team can be a bit assorted on any given Sunday, but they have a waxy resilience. They handed out Dots on Monday.

16 Yellow Brick Loads (Yellow) 2-6

They had a 2 touchdown lead over Iron until Trainwreck threw 3 INTs in the second half. After that performance, this team needed to serve lewks and levity, and they were handing out candy jewelry.

17 Blue World Order (Columbia Blue) 2-5

This team continues to do the least and is just unprepared each week. They gave out gum.

18 Ready for this Kelly (Kelly Green) 1-7

Love a lot of girls on this team, but they gave out Candy Corn on Monday.