Power Rankings

Question for the league—where are you supposed to throw on this defense? Between Chad, Mark, Andre, Cash, Ryan, Ed, Shray… there’s so many travel players on the Tree Bottoms (er, “Tops”) that they can’t all be on the field at once. And they are racking up the picks, with six in two weeks.

And can someone please check if Chad is truly a first time quarterback? The kid is moving this offense like a veteran—and according to Game Glimpse headquarters, no team has ever demonstrated such devoted commitment to the slant-flat combo route. If Forest can find a win against Red, half these trees might have to switch positions because they will be at the top!

True to their name, Irish Goodbyes wasted no time disappearing the competition, opening the half with a series of methodical drives led by John C. and jumping out to a commanding 20–0 lead. The cherry on top a Pick 6 from Matt H. to send the opposition straight to the pub. Moptop led the team with 2 TDs followed by one a piece from Nick W. and Marvin Washington.

But now the real question: Is this Clem’s Cinderella season? Or will that glass slipper shatter faster than an Irishman saying “Sure, I’ll have a Guinness”? For now, the Goodbyes are saying hello to the top half of the rankings.

(Cue the dairy pun counter) Mooooove (1) over everyone, Hole Milk proved why they’re the cream (2) of the crop, dropping 40 points in a performance that landed them with ROTW and POTW in the same game. That’s legendairy (3) stuff, even if the PrEPpa Pigs defense was missing so badly their face ended up on a milk carton (4).

Our Dairy Queens (5) have been udderly (6) unstoppable, churning (7) out a close win against a talented Sexxy Red team and proving they are whey butter (8, 9) than the PrEPpa Pigs (even if they were a**holes and refused to milk (10) the clock). With a matchup against 16th ranked Chrome Dome, a loss for Hole Milk would be cattle-clysmic (11). Let’s hope their good fortune won’t spoil (12, that’s enough).

The birds were caught playing with their food. After exploding to a 20-0 lead, the vultures were circling and ready to scavenge on Orange’s corpse. But they let Pumphim Spice back in the game and nearly lost a nail biter that came down to the last play.

This team has too much talent to fall far down the rankings, especially after beating a solid team and a winning quarterback without Jordan. But we birdwatchers will need to see a bit more from this team. We’ll bring our Merlin app to the fields to see if they’re gonna be birds of prey this week.

After a close, hard fought win over an experienced Purple team, there’s no doubting that the Sexxy Reds are a real contender and, importantly, are significantly better, more athletic, more handsome, and better people than the other Red team in Open…. Dammit we were fed JC’s notes again, sorry Wyatt.

But despite the win, their line play was suspect. After letting up five sacks to just one twink, this team looked more like Sacksy Reds. Austin was throwing dots all day, but he may need to get the ball out a bit more quickly to keep the wins coming.

Some things in life are guaranteed: death, taxes, Alex D posting shirtless selfies, and Wyatt coming through in the clutch. In a nail biter that ended up in overtime, Red was riding the thriving Wyatt to Matt connection. And don’t forget about two touchdowns for Jarred B., who come THROUGH with the game winning catch down the sideline over one of the best defenses in the league. This team is getting red hot as the season progresses—let’s see if they can keep riding high against the Tree Tops… what happened to Little Red Riding Hood in the forest? Hmm…

Michael Jordan had the Flu Game. Curt Schilling had the bloody sock. And Paul G. had the Slot Receiver Game (he was totally healthy, it was just a lot on his body). And chat—he went off, taking one reception 40 yards to the goal line to seal the win after a great go ahead catch by Mike O. on a pass from Brandon W.

With a combined 85 seasons of league experience between just these three players, they proved that what you lack in knee cartilage you can make up for with grit, knowledge, and prescription grade NSAIDs. Congrats on the win, now please get some youth back on the field so you don’t have to run poor Ivan into Carter Barron soil.

This game was giving back-and-forth, back-and-forth… and then absolutely NOT Purple’s way. The Nurples surrendered a tying score at the end of the first half off a tipped ball, then let their opponents sneak in a go-ahead score with just 16 seconds left. Gagged.

Noah was serving MVP realness with a ridiculous 5 sacks, while Twon delivered the catch of the game with JC in coverage. Was there a little extra hands-on assistance involved? Juan apparently didn’t see anything, so what happens on the field stays on the field, I guess.

Week 1? Beyoncé.

Week 2? LaToya.

Bluety-licious was giving Where Do We Go From Here? because nobody seemed to know where they were going. The offense was scattered, the organization was questionable, and the whole thing looked like somebody had lost the playbook AND the group chat.

And yet… somehow these hoes clawed their way back to force overtime led by Captain Jamal L with 2 TDs. But by the end, they had clearly Lost Their Breath.

THE HOES HAVE ENTERED THE WIN COLUMN! And apparently Curtis S. and Cam B. decided it was Cam’s personal playground.

Cam had the Black team looking like they were trapped in a spin cycle at the laundromat, repeatedly making defenders question every life choice that brought them to that field. Then, naturally, he took to Instagram afterward to provide the people with the tea, receipts, and a little self-promotion. Jordan M. led the team in scoring with 2 TDs along with another score by Jason V.

After dropping 32 points in Week 1, the Hoes came into Week 2 looking ready to fly over the rainbow. Unfortunately, somebody forgot to pack the offense.

The Cialis apparently wore off, because these Hoes could only manage 6 points. Go Everett!

James Eaton & Co. got a rude awakening after tossing a couple interceptions, but the bigger concern is on the other side of the ball. If the Hoes want to compete, the defense needs to stop being decorative and start actually getting into the action. The only bright spots on defense was their rush with Chris R getting 2 and JP H following up with one himself.

A tale of two halves.

Luie & Co. came out flatter than a bad wig, throwing multiple interceptions and digging themselves into a 20–0 hole. But just when it looked like the game was headed straight to the morgue, Pumphim Spice woke up and nearly pulled off the comeback with a couple scores from Jordan F. and Aaron B. and one Hammy Luie.

They clawed all the way back to within ONE POINT, only to have the potential game-winning two-point attempt bounce right off the hands of a Pumphim player.

Baby…LESS LUBE.

Word on the street is Black was doing a little talking sh*t on the field. Unfortunately, the receipts say the mouth was writing checks the scoreboard wasn’t interested in cashing.

The one thing Black That Ass Up has been extremely consistent with? Putting up points. Chad H was consistently in the stat sheet with 2 TDs and 2 Ints. The girls may look fabulous off the field and know exactly how to back that ass up, but once the whistle blows, somebody needs to figure out how to PASS that ass up.

Talk your talk, sis. Just make sure the scoreboard can hear you.

Another ruff start for the Retrievers, who found themselves in a 20–0 hole after a few of costly interceptions.

Joey H. and Kevin D. did their best to keep the pack in the fight and make things interesting with a TD each, but unfortunately, there just wasn’t enough bite in the second half to close the gap. The Retrievers showed some fight, but by then the damage was already done. At this point, somebody needs to tell these girls: stop fetching from behind and start chasing the lead.

Fun fact: PrEP is 99% effective as a defense against HIV infection :) Another fun fact: the PrEPpa Pigs defense is 99% effective at letting opposing teams score.

Through two weeks, our piglets have managed a scoring defense of 39 points per game and just one stop. The good news: these little piggies went to market (the endzone) three times this game. The offense is showing signs of life—but their defense needs a new prescription.

Chrome Dome is officially 0–2, with TWO one-score losses to start the season. At this point, the girls aren’t losing games — they’re collecting trauma by the point.

QB Ben and Captain Zo looked like they collectively took a Benzo and fell asleep at the wheel. And that’s a shame, because there’s plenty of talent on both sides of the ball.

Unfortunately, the defense currently has more holes than Swiss cheese (13, didn’t expect another dairy pun down here). And naturally, the schedule decided to make things even more interesting next week against Hole Milk. Another close loss and these girls might need more than a timeout. They might need therapy.