Power Rankings

Did y’all know that Chad M is a Panthers fan despite being from neither Carolina? That’s the type of resiliency and masochism it takes to become a successful quarterback in this league.

The Tree Tops continue their run atop the rankings this week after putting away a dangerous Cardinal team with surprising ease - even with Andre taking over QB duties after the first half. The football gods will also surely smile on Sam B taking a knee at the 1 instead of scoring to close out the game.

Jens & them look to be aging like one of the many fine Belgian ales he enjoys while pretending to ref.

A Prince song 4 u: U Got The Look

Purple may have been caught playing with their food on Sunday, jumping out to a 24-8 lead at halftime before escaping a comeback by Yellow with a 30-26 win. The Purple One would not approve. Strong showings from AJ, Aaron B and Bryan S led the team in Twon’s absence.

Bryan tells me he “doesn’t know Prince’s discography at all,” which is disappointing but not surprising. For that, you don’t get “Purple Rain.”

A Prince song 4 u: Gotta Stop (Messin’ About)

Heather wins a battle of backup QBs against Sapphire with a strong performance from do-it-all threat Jordan A, who made it look easy, he said, despite multiple picks. An increasingly dangerous Keyur added a grand slam of a TD, pick, a sack, and two extra points.

These birds are a deep flock with the potential for a deep run in November. I wouldn’t want to be in their flight path.

A Prince song 4 u: Baby I’m a Star

Hole Milk gets pasteurized this week in QB Cam’s absence, and a typical Juan game and (checks thesaurus) stalwart performance from hyperliterate QB2 Brian H weren’t enough to keep a skim seven-person White squad from taking their first loss of the season.

Even though they went sour this week, these guys still have the talent to rise to the top in the long run. No use crying over that one.

A Prince song 4 u: Cream

A solid performance all around in a hard-fought win in the rain against Silver. QB Jim C made clutch throws, Jay and Captain Jamal made acrobatic plays, and human prediction engine Levert called out an alarming number of Silver’s offensive plays before they happened.

The play of the game was Sam S making a clutch 4th down catch for Light Blue while getting sandwiched by two Silver defenders, which knocked him out of the game with four broken ribs (!) in the first half of his season debut.

A rough but heroic way to go out. RIP Sam, 9-9:30am October 4, 2026.

A Prince song 4 u: I Would Die 4 U

QB John C’s team is (mostly) cooking this season, and he served TDs to five different players this week. That, along with some key defensive plays, was enough to (spit)-roast the PrEPpa Pigs without their starting QB.

Irish Goodbyes should be smiling right now, with a strong record and deep bench that could set Captain Matt H up for his second straight Final Four. Just ignore that they got destroyed by the only winning team they’ve played so far.

A Prince song 4 u: Delirious

Seafoam are proving themselves to be the grittiest team in the league this season, coming back from 13-point deficits twice in one game to steal a win from True Red. Venerable QB Brandon W threw TDs to Bryan, Christian and Connor in the team’s third one-score win this season.

It hasn’t been pretty, but it’s been working. Doubt them at your own peril.

A Prince song 4 u: Let’s Work

Cardinal lays an egg after their Hangover Game last week with an actual hangover game this week. Sources report several drops, missed flag pulls, and penalties along with two pick sixes from Austin P - in front of his parents, no less. Forest is good, of course, but you’d expect more of a fight.

Word on the street is that this team has really struggled with 9am games. Looking at their roster, I couldn’t imagine why. Expect a hot streak now that they’re done with those.

A Prince song 4 u: Partyup

One of the great things about our new partner Game Glimpse (pay me, Game Glimpse) is that we now have receipts when absurd things happen at the fields. Like on Sunday, when True Red may have been the first team to ever lose a game because a punt hit the back of their player’s head.

Alex D was the victim there, getting a concussion and giving Seafoam the ball at Red’s 15 yard line to set up a 27-26 comeback win for the Foamosexual Agenda.

It’s True Red’s second one-point loss in the past two weeks. I’m not sure what Wyatt has done to upset the football gods since his two straight titles, but maybe he should purify himself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka this weekend.

A Prince song 4 u: Little Red Corvette

An admirable backup QB performance from Philly’s own Dan K with reliable weapons like Cam B, Brandon K and Jordan M — UNLIKE AGHOLOR — wasn’t enough to steal a win from a solid Blue Heather team on Sunday.

I’ve received word that a supposedly missed unnecessary roughness penalty may have cost Sapphire here. The committee is skeptical.

A Prince song 4 u: Controversy

Orange gets on the board in a big way, dismantling Black 41-13. It was against one of the only other 0-3 teams though, so we’ll be cautious of our assessment on how much they’ve really bounced back. They got points in a whole bunch of ways from a whole bunch of players, including both a pick six from Luie and punt return from Mike B.

Is Pumphim Spice rounding into form for Halloween? Was Jorge the secret spice they were missing all along? Will Luie (4 TD passes, two INTs on defense including a pick six) ever get the respect from his team that he insists he deserves?

I don’t have any answers, this is just a rhetorical device.

A Prince song 4 u: All the Critics Love U in New York

A second-half comeback bid fell short for Yellow against Purple on Sunday, overshadowing a deepening TD connection between Jameses E and F. A Purple source said they laid off the gas in the second half, but knowing my source, I’d take that with a grain of salt.

I’m not totally sure what to make of this team yet. The record’s not great, but their early schedule has turned out to be one of the toughest in the league, and the win against Seafoam is looking pretty good right now. The committee is curious to see how they do as they continue to ease on down the road.

A Prince song 4 u: Around the World In A Day

Gold gets their first win of the season against an understaffed and outmatched White team, clinched by a backbreaking pick six from Andrew H. The Gold experience has been a mixed bag – just like the Prince album of the same name – but QB Chris D looks to be putting things together and spreading the ball well, if a little wobbly according to replays courtesy of Game Glimpse, as we head into the middle of the season.

Prince’s music fell off severely after this album. Don’t let the same thing happen to you, Daniel and Daniel and Hoyler and Hoyler.

A Prince song 4 u: Gold

Pink gets badgered by Kelly Green this week while Zach and Luke are in Wisconsin. ** ** Backup QB Jack L had a good performance with 4 TDs to just 1 pick (everyone, convince Jack to play QB for real next season, tysm), but it wasn’t quite enough to fend off the Irish Goodbyes.

Congrats on beating Black last week, but the committee will need to see you weave together some more wins if you want to be Some Pigs.

A Prince song 4 u: I Could Never Take The Place Of Your Man

Silver is finding new and innovative ways to tarnish its record every week. This time Chrome Dome had a few missing key players and costly, ill-timed mistakes from just about everyone else.

“We’re not a bad team!,” I yell across the fields every Sunday – there’s plenty of talent here, and every loss has been close. But not-bad teams generally win a game by week 4.

A Prince song 4 u: Something In The Water (Does Not Compute)

Oof.

Another week to forget for Black That Ass Up, who are currently taking over for neither the 99 nor the 2000 as they lose to previously winless Pumphim Spice by a whopping 28 points. They’re showing plenty of fight on the field (and after at brunch), just not against the other team.

Why do we scream at each other?

This is what it sounds like –

A Prince song 4 u: When Doves Cry