Power Rankings

Forest Green dominated the scoreboard in their game against the Sinners just as much as they dominated what little shade Carter Barron had to offer during last week’s midday inferno. And now they sit comfortably at the top of the leaderboard—right where they believe they belong.

Rumor has it, the Grassholes developed a bit of a chip on their shoulders in response to last week’s (very fair and totally unbiased) Power Ranking coverage. But it looks like they turned every one of those shoulder chips into ice chips—which conveniently proved to be just the right currency to bribe the refs for a couple of missed sack and false start calls on a hellishly hot day.

Not only did QB Meg’s ever-evading hips and sharp arm leave the Sinners with zero prayers answered, but Forest Green also slid QB (and all-around player extraordinaire) Nik in mid-game, just to put teams on notice that they’ve got depth and they’re not afraid to use it.

Enjoy the top, babes! We mean it. You’ve earned it. But remember, you’ve got to keep your cool in order to stay on top, because melted ice chips can make even the mightiest slip and fall.

Word to the wise for anyone playing Corn: watch out for Taylor and Christine. Not only are they some of the best receivers in the league, but they’re also always Lynch’s first look—mostly because her blind spot is, quite literally, everyone else. Honestly, we half-expected Silver’s Miriam (on the other team, mind you) to see more balls than half of Corn’s offense because old habits die hard when QB1 is throwing to her favorites.

We kid, we kid. Because truthfully, this offense was electric on Sunday. Lynch was connecting on deep passes like it was target practice, and when this roster actually shows up in full, good luck finding a hole in their game. And no, the rest of us aren’t bitter about it. Not at all.

Hey Corn, if you want that #1 spot next week (finally), we do accept bribes—in the form of throwing games. We’ll even reveal our identities to Lynch herself and hand it over. Or, you know, you could just keep winning. Whichever’s easiest.

Next up: an unholy matchup between Corn and Cardinal—and luckily for you, this premium content streams free from the sidelines.

I don’t know what kinds of “gay sins” Cardinal Red committed last Sunday Funday, but they clearly paid for it this week in their fall to the Grassholes.

Sure, they might have run the score up the first week, but sadly for them, points don’t carry over. And the only digits that mattered were the ones they spent all game chasing, as they trailed Forest Green up until the very end (Aw🥺🎻).

The experience on this squad kept them dangerous. Between Kori’s hips working overtime, Court’s steady hand, and a number of limber, well-oiled rookies, the Sinners had just enough to keep it competitive even though the end result wasn’t what they wanted.

Luckily for Red, there’s plenty of season left and plenty of chances for redemption—starting with next week’s matchup against Corn. Hopefully, the Sinners can rise to the task and keep the Children of the Corn from harvesting all the glory for themselves.

Looking for revenge after their week one loss to the referees—we mean, the Lesbian Alloyance—Icy Hot turned up the heat on the Foamosexuals, leaving them all hot and bothered, and chasing a happy ending that never came.

Light Blue’s QB Ashley V. looked sharp in the pocket, especially when she found her favorite target, Peyton, who kept the chains moving all game. And the good vibes didn’t stop on the field. Light Blue bottled up some of that energy from the field and served it to the sidelines, where there was a pleasant mix of pastels, laughter, good vibes, and actual fun being had—something we love to see on the Carter Barron sidelines. Okay, sure, the Foamies weren’t at full strength, but that’s irrelevant, because a win is a win, and that’s just what Team Icy Hot needed to thaw out their season.

Next they’ll play Forest Green and if both teams meet at full power, you can certainly expect this to be a game where sparks fly.

Applause, please: Silver finally put offensive points on the board this week! 👏 Sure, it was just one play—but what an impressive play it was. Silver’s offense looked much better than it did the first week, marching down the field more than a few times. Once they learn how to score at the 2 yd line, this team will be a force.

Their defense shined and held their own against Corn’s veteran QB, but ultimately came up short against that good old-fashioned corn-fed chemistry. Still, these authors are not counting this team out just yet—especially since a lot of things are working.

Next week, when the “Chromies” face the “Foamies”, the question is whether Silver’s defense can keep carrying the load, or if they’ll be the ones to hand Seafoam their first touchdown. Only time will tell, but if anyone knows how to handle a Foamie, it’s Silver’s QB Shayne. After all, you can take the QB out of Seafoam, but apparently you can’t take seafoam out of this league’s tired jersey color wheel.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here once more (**at the bottom of the power rankings**) to mourn yet another week of Seafoam putting zero points on the board. And it’s a shame, too, because for a brief moment they looked so alive—even managing to hold Blue to just a single score in the first quarter.

Only nine Foamosexuals showed up, but the rookies held it down—hauling in passes, grabbing two sacks, and proving they’re ready to grind. Captain Dana once again reminded everyone that true allyship means interceptions, and new QB Kat nearly found the end zone with some ridiculously long throws. And while she remains the only QB in the league who hasn’t been sacked (credit to her O-line), maybe it’s time to start hitting her targets instead of flexing her softball arm. Perhaps next week she can find a happy medium and start converting throws into touchdowns the way she so easily converts Celsius and Bud Lights into a mid-game, double-fist combo.

Next up: Seafoam takes on Silver. And while resurrection is possible, it’s far less likely without a full roster—and certainly not without scoring any points.