Power Rankings

The tennis players weren’t the only ones serving at Carter Baron this Sunday. The Cardinal Sinners delivered a service of their own, featuring Court’s fantabulous gaybuet at QB. Supposedly forbidden to run by her wife…yet there she was, proving those legs aren’t just for show (and yes, the moms on the sideline noticed).

Clearly still salty about that #4 preseason prediction, the Sinners stormed the field to set the record straight. And it was giving deliverance—which was served piping hot to the Foamosexuals. This game had it all: multiple interceptions, a shutout, Bre rising from the dead (AKA out of retirement) with a pick 6, and the Sinners’ fearless leader Jayme arguing over calls with the ref even though they were up by a ton. Honestly, the only thing missing from this game was a confessional booth for Seafoam to repent and wipe the slate clean.

Battle Royale didn’t disappoint—the Grassholes and Corn Stars put on a show only returning QBs could deliver. In the end, Green squeaked by with a one-touchdown win—though rumor has it a full-strength Corn squad might’ve dealt them a very different ending. I guess we’ll never know…at least not until their Week 6 rematch.

Still, the Grassholes earned it. Chelsea T lit up Corn’s defense with three TDs, the O-line held last season’s rusher of the year to just one sack, and they even pulled off the impossible—sacking one of the league’s most unsackable QBs, Lynch.

Next up is their matchup with the Cardinal Sinners—and if there’s anything we know, it’s that one of these teams is about to be humbled. Winning the battle is one thing, but winning the war is far harder—and if any roster looks ready for the fight ahead, it’s Green.

I’m not saying I have a problem with democracy, but I will say that this writer was outvoted to put this team at 3. If we were ranking defenses alone, Silver came out the clear winner as the only side of the ball to actually score, which we are sure is a Womens+ first. Despite the offense’s best efforts fighting for about 60 yards the whole game, this team is proof that defense truly does win games. Highlights include 2 rookies making an early name for themselves and longtime player Sophie clinching the game with a pick 6 in OT. No matter the shade we throw, a win is a win and if this team’s defense came swinging like this, the writers can only imagine how fierce this team is going to be with an offense to match.

The Corn Stars rolled into Battle Royale with one of the league’s only returning QBs and a roster built to win—but still fell just one touchdown short.

If you were on the sidelines, you would’ve assumed that Meg L. was sacked approximately 30 times, but the children of the corn may be more bark than bite. New captain Lefler kept it steady as the game slipped away, and missing key players didn’t help. But make no mistake: the Corn Stars are still a team to beat, and there’s no reason they shouldn’t be sitting near the top of the rankings.

One thing’s certain: nothing lights a fire under Lynch more than a downward trend in the rankings. Corn may have missed their money shot this week, but you know they won’t stay camera-shy for long.

There was a lot that went right with Blue week 1, though jerseys were not one of them. Rookie league QB Ashley and first time captain Metz’s team is looking great coming out of week 1. With a loss only in name, their defense managed to keep Silver out of the endzone the entire game. Though considering the muddly slip and slide CB was this weekend, they might have done them a favor. Don’t let the record fool you, this team has some weapons. Des managed an impressive 3 INTs before she realized her jersey was on backwards and their rush maintained heavy pressure throughout. We have no doubt that next week, they will be fighting to prove how hungry they are for an early season win.

The Foamies 2.0 took the field on Sunday and showed flashes worth watching. Their fearless leader Dana reminded everyone why she wears the captain’s crown, grabbing a pick-six and anchoring a defense that refused to quit. There were also game-saving moments sprinkled throughout, proof that this roster has real brilliance waiting to be unlocked.

Yes, the chemistry is still in progress, and yes, the scoreboard stung, but every new team has its growing pains. What matters is the Foamies stayed unshaken—and with the weapons they’ve got, this team has everything it needs to turn potential into power.

Next up: They take on Team Icy Hot. Underdog vs. Underdog. Only one climbs out of the bottom, and Seafoam’s betting it’s them.