November 12, 2022

Season XXIII Playoffs Predictions

by Patrick Kozak and Scott Graham

It is so good to be back at Carter Barron and back on the website being shady. These Season 23 Playoffs predictions are not meant to be taken seriously. If you liked them, remember Patrick Kozak wrote them, and if they offend you or aren’t funny, Scott Graham is responsible.

8:30 AM

#8 Burnt Orange vs. #9 Yellow: Jim Connolly has been playing flag football since before half the league was born. Poor thing still hasn’t won a DCGFFL trophy. And he won’t win one this season despite some serious talent in Nikki, Chase Castillo, Baxter, and promising rookie Patrick Mulford. Meanwhile Marvin & Joe’s Burnt Orange have two good wins under their belt against Black and Purple, showing they can show out in prime time. Burnt Orange wins 21-19.

#8 Columbia Blue vs #9 Kelly Green: Levert and Ben have not stopped anyone all season. On the heels of the duo’s great seasons just 5 months ago in Spring 2022 and a good core of players, this bunch looks like they don’t wanna be there (Levert’s rare miss as a captain?) Luckily for them, Kelly Green has scored approximately 17 points this season under three different QBs (we’ll miss you Zach!). Columbia Blue takes this one 26-12.

10:00 AM

#3 Lime vs. #6 Sand: On Drag Race, Michelle Visage will ask the bottom queens if they had fun onstage before reading them for filth and telling them to sashay away. Well…I hope Sand had fun this season. Shantay Lime will stay 26-13.

#3 Forest Green vs. #6 Gold: Nolan has been so serious about resting his sore ankle, he has kept both legs in the air all week to prep for Sunday. A top 5 team this season for both O and D, Forest wins a close one 36-33. Note to half of the league QBs: Watch this game to see how to actually do it!

#4 Graphite vs. #5 Navy: Graphite is 6-1 with Kozak on the field. Make it 7-1, Graphite 26-18. Note to Kozak: Before that Carter Barron was 70-0 against you over the past 8 seasons. Navy will bring the spirit, camaraderie, and a solid defense led by a great rushing duo in Bradley and Tevin but it’ll take more than that recycled Care Bear magic to close on offense without Kevin Hamilton on the field.

#4 Coral vs. #5 Purple: AJ (Coral) and Twon (Purple) are known for their sportsmanship and team building. I am sure whoever refs this game is going to feel super appreciated and fulfilled. Purple wins 28-27 and all of the refs retire post-game. Hope the refs on this game took their Xanax or Klonopin!

12:00 PM

#1 Seafoam vs. #8 Burnt Orange: Austin Plier QB Experiment Season 2: Electric Boogaloo is the sequel that should have been the original. The fantasy season continues for Austin and Mike with a 32-19 W. Note to the league: the Seafoam Asterisks* have beaten 5 teams without their QBs and 1 team who had 6 players……..

#2 White vs. #7 Red: Where in the world is Ben Hunt? Nowhere that will help his team win…Red 27-12. Note: Red is finally buying in under odd couple Brandon and Japinga (there hasn’t been a draft that awkward since the Scott G and Vincent 4-round silent treatment in 2018), with even BB easing off his spiritual journeys for the next two weeks.

#2 Black vs. Royal Blue: JC Adams needs redemption from Evan Ryan beasting him on a long ball last week. Wyatt and co. better watch out because nothing is scarier than an angry twink. Black dominates Royal in the battle of the JC’s 41-14. Note to the League: Black is the third highest scoring offense of ALL TIME. Rumor has it JC Chuico is utilizing Twitter’s new algorithm next season for his draft so expect a lot of … subscriptions.

#1 Iron Grey vs. #8 Columbia Blue: Andy Pratt and DJ DJ have been paired together many times and never won 9 games in all those seasons combined. The dream season continues if Andy can throw less picks than Ben McEvoy. Iron Grey sneaks by Columbia 29-26. Note to the League: Iron Grey has the fourth best defense in the history of DCGFFL and will make the difference here because DEFENSE WINS IN PLAYOFFS. But, only one team (Tony Stewart’s Tsunami in Season 3) had an undefeated regular season and went on to win the championship.

1:45 PM

#1 Seafoam vs. #5 Purple: Seafoam’s well rounded team shuts down a Purple team that hasn’t been the same since Week 5’s Sunday loss, leading to a mutual restraining order between Twon and Andrew Aldrian. Seafoam takes it 32-21. That said, the Foamosexuals are sure to flame out against whoever they play in the Final Four.

#3 Lime vs. #7 Red: We keep writing off Brandon Waggoner and rightfully so (based on his look in the huddle this season, he has already made Spaworld plans for next Sunday!). But he can take this team to the Final Four, where they will lose in glorious fashion, like every other year. Red takes it 32-29.

#2 Black vs. #3 Forest Green: In the battle of gimpy ankles, who comes out on top: JC or Nolan? JC is healthier, so Black takes it 25-22. Note to the league: this ends the best chance for a gay QB champion since Fall 2013. Unless Bryan S moves one small notch up the Kinsey scale.

#1 Iron Grey vs. #4 Graphite: In the 50 shade of gray matchup, whatever QB makes less mistakes will lead their team to the final four. Mark Hofberg has experience on his side (and Joe Owens). I will take Graphite 26-19. Note to the league: Is Hofberg and Brandon having a competition to see who loses more Final 4 games?