Season 23 Power Rankings: Week 1

1 Shady Birches (Forest Green) (Nolan and Cam)

This probably won’t be the last time this team is atop the power rankings. This team’s brunch at Roofer’s Union was frothy and saucy. Powered by Amanda’s enthusiasm, Cameron’s quick wit, and Shaq’s ability to turn up at even the slightest whiff of tequila, the vibes were immaculate and hungry for more W’s.

2 Cerulean Gworls (Navy) (Steph and Brian)

With 3 homeowners, a bar owner, and a drag queen all on this team, brunch is not merely an activity but a carefully orchestrated event, even with such short notice. With Baby Lucas away, the bacon and eggs at the Graham-Roll house were made to order and the mimosas were flowing. No Jazzmin St. James, however, but I heard she’s building towards a big reveal this season. The vibes were buzzy and in-sync.

3 Rock Hard (Graphite) (Joe and Mark)

Out in Mark and Patrick’s mountain cabin, the couple cooked for the team. The lemon-ricotta pancakes were light; the original cocktails were strong and floral; the lox was fresh; the team bonding exercises were forced; and the games were intense and attitudes were mildly menacing. The vibes were Taylor Swift’s Folklore meets Midsommar.

4 Cocked & Loaded Limebackers (Lime) (Demetrian and Garrett)

Truthfully, no one could tell you what this team was doing on Sunday. This roster is full of rookies, but I bet they were having fun wherever they were. The vibes were lowkey.

5 Foamosexuals (Seafoam Green) (Mike O and Austin P)

Mike O and Austin took their spread offense literally this week. While Austin was spreading out tile patterns for the backsplash of his new home (love the herringbone pattern, babe), Mike O was spread eagle and shirtless at Uproar. The rest of the roster was manspreading under the aggressive misters at Dirty Goose. The vibes were split.

6 Rick Royal'd (Royal) (JC Chuico and Wyatt Eck)

Wyatt took his team to Georgetown to showcase his cultural heritage. Sperrys, polos, and croakies were required. The vibes were fratty and the beer was natty. Welcome to Royal House, girls!

7 Ready for this Kelly (Kelly Green) (Paul W and Zach Brown)

This team loaded up on chips and queso and margaritas at El Rey to carry them through their bar-hopping circuit up and down U street to end up at none other than Green Lantern. The vibes were 18+.

8 The Sandra Bullocks (Sand) (Tracy and Oriya)

With Oriya on vacation, Tracy was left to lead this team himself. Unfortunately, Tracy posted the wrong date and time in his GroupMe and ended up by himself at Cheesecake Factory. The vibes were kitschy and un-ironically enjoyed.

9 I Run Gay (Iron Grey) (Derrick and Andy Pratt)

Shaw’s Tavern saw Derrick coming down Florida Ave and popped the Cook’s. Afterwards, Derrick made his team listen to his newest DJ set while Andy shopped for a new baby bjorn on his phone. The vibes were dad at a Billie Eilish concert.

10 Purple Pee Hole Eaters (Purple) (Twon and Andrew Aldrian)

Andrew was so sad that he couldn’t play football today he started re-writing his playbook for next week while live-texting NFL game updates in the GroupMe. Meanwhile the players were so excited to stay in and order Chik-Fil-A on Uber Eats only to remember that it’s Sunday. The vibes were “a dream deferred.”

11 Yellow Brick Loads (Yellow) (Tony B and Jim)

Tony B knew the games were getting canceled last night and already had the big table reserved at Freddie’s. The biscuits were hard, but that doesn’t matter when covered in sausage gravy and washed down with a corona. The vibes were beachy; the lip-syncs were sloppy; and, the hairlines were visible.

12 Gold Dogs, New Tricks (Gold) (OJ and Cline)

Reigning DCGFFL championship QB Matt Cline took the cancellation of games as an opportunity to indulge in buffalo chicken nachos at Midlands—with or without his team. OJ headed to his not canceled soccer game. Absent leadership, this ahem seasoned team stayed in with their Quaker Oats and ex-partner’s Redzone log-in. The vibes were fibrous.

13 Not Another White Refrigerator (White) (Ryan V and Ben Hunt)

Ryan ordered not enough pizza for the team while Ben rigged a TV setup on his roof so he could watch the Niners. He didn’t wipe down the deck furniture first. The vibes were damp.

14 Oh My Goth (Black) (JC Adams and Bryan)

JC went back to bed after hearing games were canceled even though Kal was whining in his kennel, and Bryan worked through new ways to help a client avoid an estate tax. Despite multiple pleas from their chatty team for a function to attend, they settled for a group trip to Costco for $1.50 hotdogs. The vibes were generic and economical.

15 Yam It In (Burnt Orange) (Joe Heron and Marvin)

This team gave a half-hearted attempt at a brunch and an NFL game watch. The team ate at home to save money and scrolled through their IG feeds jealous of everyone else. The vibes were Chris Pine on the Don’t Worry Darling press tour.

16 Blue World Order (Columbia Blue) (Levert and Ben M)

This team sat beneath a cabana at Wundergarten and passed around Ben McEvoy’s vape pen for sustenance. The vibes were cherry-flavored.

17 The Red Light District (Red) (Japinga and Waggoner)

This team went to Cracker Barrel in Waldorf and ordered off the lunch/dinner menu. Only country fried steak was had—not an egg in sight. The vibes felt like a tense family road trip.

18 Coral Fixation (Coral) (Jens and AJ)

While finishing Jens’ homemade pilsner and chain smoking Virginia Slims behind the Ivy City Target, coral’s craggy old heads reminisced about championships won and lost. The vibes were disinterested, dark, and divey.