Season 23 Power Rankings: Week 2

1 Oh My Goth (Black) 2-0

Incensed by Aaron Sayama’s Power Rankings remarks last week, “Team Costco” was serving Kirkland Signature beatdowns in bulk this past weekend, taking down a pair of top-tier teams. Speaking of shopping, we are definitely waiting for Bryan S. and Joe to drop their masterclass on how to win football games playing hot potato.

2 Foamosexuals (Seafoam Green) 2-0

Next we’d like to make this special PSA: If a center runs more than 30 yards down the field, LET US SCORE!!!! You know how much work we’re putting into outrunning y’all!? Major shoutout to Commissioner Logan for that amazing run (kinda makes up for the fact that you were sleeping on the job in the first half against Kelly).

3 Shady Birches (Forest Green) 1-0

According to Judy this brunching team relied on their last week’s ranking falling to 3rd with their win over Yellow. But this leads to the Question of the Day: What happens when an unstoppable force (Nikki) meets an immovable object (Cam)? Answer: Cam’s glasses break.

4 I Run Gay (Iron Grey) 1-0

Anytime a team gets a sack in the game, it’s a big deal. But if you’re getting more than 8 sacks in a single game, that’s worthy of a Hall of Fame placement. This team should be called “The Iron Defense” because this rush made up of Captain Derrick and Em may be hard for any team to break.

5 Not Another White Refrigerator (White) 1-0

First off, these reporters would like to thank the league for the sleeveless shirts this season!!! Second, now that we know they’re an option, where can we get ours? Let us all enjoy less material as summer is stretching well into fall. What we are NOT going to enjoy is the early morning war cries from Matan each and every game. If it works for their team, wonderful!!! But at least could someone get us some earplugs?

6 Gold Dogs, New Tricks (Gold) 1-0

Gold’s game against Columbia can be summed up in the pivotal moments from the childhood classic movie, The Mighty Ducks 2. Team USA (Gold) rallies back from being down against their archrivals Team Iceland (Columbia). The game comes down to a final drive as Gunnar Sthal (Levert) makes a hard drive to the end zone only to be stopped at the 2 yard line by the Gold team. Such a classic tale!

7 Cocked & Loaded Limebackers (Lime) 1-0

Warning, any team that plays against Lime should bring some shades cuz my GAWD are those jerseys blinding! Combine that with some amazing defense from rookie Benjamin and maybe that’ll explain how they secured a win over Purple this weekend. One thing we know for sure, if captain Demetrian is serving 80’s workout vibes all season, we’re gonna enjoy this team!!!

8 Cerulean Gworls (Navy) 1-0

Now it seems to us that this team may need to go back to their middle school arts class, because we’re not sure how this team’s name came to be. To paraphrase the ICON Miranda Priestly, “…what you don’t know is that jersey is not just cerulean, it’s not turquoise, it’s not lapis, it’s actually NAVY!!!”

With that being said, Navy managed to pull out a win over Sand thanks to a couple of sacks, some interceptions, and Stephanie getting plenty of rest between downs.

9 The Red Light District (Red) 1-1

Red coasted their first game against Burnt Orange perhaps giving them false confidence going into their second game against Black. It’s funny how the tables can turn. Suffice to say, they were not Red-y.

10 The Sandra Bullocks (Sand) 1-1

Not a bad start for first time captain Tracy, but you may want to fill up on your electrolytes so you won’t keep going down during the games. Thankfully, Sand has some amazing players including the return of rusher extraordinaire Vincent Culliver. When asked about his return to the field, Vincent’s message was simple…

11 Blue World Order (Columbia Blue) 0-1

A heartbreaking end to the game. Took us back to the 2000 SuperBowl game where the Titans came up one yard short to the Rams. Looking ahead to next week, can they live up to their name? We shall see if they may be able to get back on their momentum against Burnt Orange

12 Purple Pee Hole Eaters (Purple) 0-1

While they may not have pulled out a win, they did provide their fans with some amazing sounds courtesy of Scott’s speaker & whomever cultivated that playlist. Speaking of sounds…it looks like Twon is up to his old “chirping” antics with anyone that stands across from him. The season is still early so we’ll see if this can be an advantage or a hindrance for the team.

13 Coral Fixation (Coral) 0-1

So maybe John C and Trey P should reconsider opening up a diner because they weren’t able to serve the White team that slice of humble pie, but they did have some great plays. Hopefully next time AJ will be able to keep track of his football though.

14 Rock Hard (Graphite) 0-1

Rock Hard? More like Pillowy Soft. It’s still early, but we hope for their next game Graphite can stay firm and strong, and give us an ending we all can be happy for!

15 Rick Royal'd (Royal) 0-1

Quote of the year:

“If that was monkeypox, you would have caught it.” – JJ

16 Yellow Brick Loads (Yellow) 0-1

Well based on the outcome of this game, the name may be fitting for the team. Luckily it’s only Week 2 and Captain Tony B and QB Jim have plenty of time to find the Emerald City and find their way home to a win next week against Royal

17 Ready for this Kelly (Kelly Green) 0-2

This team has some great players; unfortunately, they ran up on two amazing teams putting Kelly low on the rankings this week. It is refreshing to see a new competitive side of the ever calm and demure Paul. If Captain Paul can rally his team and if Dwaylan continues to put up some amazing stats, like the 4 sacks against Seafoam, this team could be one to contend with.

“…And that’s on Electro-Abundance-lytes” – Dwaylan!

18 Yam It In (Burnt Orange) 0-2

Now we’ll be honest with you, we were prepared to be cynical about Joe H. being back up QB as Marvin is out nursing a cold. But if Cinderella were a real person, Joe was definitely her on this day. We were humbled by Joe’s performance. No, they didn’t win either of their games, but they gave Seafoam a run for their money. They should be proud of what they were able to accomplish. Props to ya, mama!