Season 24 Power Rankings: Week 5

1 Daddy, Chill (White) 6-0

3 TDs and a sack by Twon; a TD from last week’s Player-of-the-Week, Munroe; an extra point and a sack by Noah; 2 INTs and an extra point from shirt-always-in-tatters Kirk. This undefeated team is clearly more than its QB and his jawline. I suspect the Easter bunny will be particularly kind to them this weekend bringing sunshine, a short Sunday service, and a very lit and celebratory Easter brunch

2 Pink-182 (Neon Pink) 6-0

I will say that Derrick knows how to coach and Cam knows how to spread the ball around. Making sure all of your players get on the stat sheet is a goal other teams should consider adopting. (Keep scrolling for further info.) But, I can’t let it go unsaid that “strength of schedule” is an important point to keep in mind, as this team hasn’t faced an opponent that was firing on all cylinders. As for their Easter basket, well, with custom t-shirts featuring PrEPpa Pig, membership cards with the schedule listed on it, and a revolving door of hype supporters, I’m not sure what more they could possibly want. TSwift Eras tickets? Renaissance tickets? An upcoming stay at the White Lotus in Thailand where they have to reconcile their privilege while ensconced in a five star resort and embroiled in psychosexual drama with the other guests, perhaps? Let’s manifest that for our 2nd undefeated team this season.

3 Dom Trops (Tropic Blue) 5-1

Their double-header this weekend was a pretty dominant showing, making it look easy against Orange and Silver. If they continue on this streak, we’re definitely looking at another Final Four appearance for Mark and Ben. With Hofberg as the captain, this team probably doesn’t get an “Easter Basket” this weekend; it’s more along the lines of a “Seder Sack.” And I’d wager they’re getting some excellent matzo ball soup, kugel, and brisket, and, if they eke out a championship, Steslicki will host a seder in his new house (read: condo) in PTown. Live look at the team arriving:

4 Atomic Blue Villains (Atomic Blue) 4-2

I honestly thought this game against Red would look like Republicans melting down at the mere mention of a social welfare program at the State of the Union, but it was surprisingly calm and cool headed. I hope their Easter basket is full of fun little treats. They earned it!

5 Tight-anium (Silver) 4-2

After being gifted a new (old) QB things are certainly looking up for this team. Though, I’m not sure he’s the one who has made all the difference as Everett and Cammas seem to be the ones all over the stat sheet. Maybe in this team’s Easter basket will be some wristbands with plays for their receiving corps so they’re not all scattering like dogs at the dog park at 5pm when the ball is in the air. And maybe something else besides a hazy IPA in the team cooler.

6 Blue-ty Callers (Carolina Blue) 3-3

Truth be told, Matt was better at captaining his own birthday boat cruise this weekend than his team’s double-header on Sunday. 0-2 is tough, but they kept White on the ropes until the end. This team is coming to the back-half of the season battle-tested and ready. Their Easter basket will be full of determination, Shaq’s screams, and shots of Deep Eddy’s Grapefruit vodka.

7 Fanta-sies 🍑 (Neon Orange) 3-3

I’m not sure this team really wants me talking about their game against Tropic, so I won’t. I will, however, discuss Chris’ tear-away moment on the field, and Lamar’s glower from the sidelines, signaling that he should put some clothes on. This team has certainly exceeded expectations, but you wouldn’t know that if you talked to many of its members–such a chip on their shoulders! Hopefully, their Easter basket is full of chill, but it will likely just be full of McEvoy’s passive aggressive IG comments on DCGFFL posts.

8 Diva Cups (Maroon) 3-2

I imagine spring is THEE season for the Diva Cups–what with it being a time for renewal, growth, vitality, and fertility. Their Easter basket will be full of more eco-friendly sanitary products and a copy of the Elements of Style by Strunk and White for Fernando and Derrick.

9 Boat Stuff (Navy) 3-2

In this team’s Easter basket is, hopefully, their captain who has returned from his luxurious vacation home in Nantucket and some better sideline music than TikTok sea shanties and Flogging Molly cover songs. Besides, if it’s going to be any Irish bop, it should be B*Witched’s C’est la Vie.

10 Mean Green Kelly Machine (Kelly Green) 3-2

I, like Gwyneth in Park City, lost half a day skiing thinking about this team. I really want there to be something of flavor in their Easter basket.

11 Royal Tenenbottoms (Royal Blue) 2-3

Every time I saw Evan R run out or catch a deep pass, all I could think about is how that’s one of the best slow moving, injured cones and linebackers I think I’ve seen in this League. I bet there’s going to be a calculator in their Easter basket.

12 Papa Cherries (Red) 2-3-1

This team is looking forward to an Easter basket full of competent in-the-pocket decision making by Aldrian, fun defensive plays like rushing 7, and bouquets of apology flowers for the wives of this team of straight dads because otherwise there’s no way they’re playing on Mother’s Day.

13 Deep in the Bush (Forest Green) 1-3-1

Much like Hofberg’s team, Binder will make sure his team’s Seder sack is full of vitamins, Austin’s positivity, and a Michelle Obama motivational speech because we are in desperate need of some inspiration.

14 Daffodilfs (Gold) 1-4

A truancy notice for this team’s QB awaits him in their Easter basket along with a subscription to Defector and a copy of Feldman’s The Making of Modern Quarterbacks for Chico. Paul W also deserves something nice from the Easter bunny as this is 2 seasons in a row he’s had a QB abandon him. It’s not you, Paul; it’s them!

15 Plumshots (Purple) 1-5

Jim talked for so long during a defensive huddle that the plums were not set when Silver snapped the ball, and Marvin was already sprinting for the endzone. This team’s Easter basket should be filled with active listening skills and a pithier defensive lead.

16 These Grays, They're Trying to Murder Me (Concrete Grey) 1-5

Will this team’s QB even be playoff eligible? Do they have any other receivers besides Alex P? Will Miss Jazzmin St. James ever make it to the game on time? This team’s Easter basket should be filled with answers and some introspection.

17 Mellow Yellow (Neon Yellow) 1-4

Kevin, Tyler, and Jeff played like the rent was due against Royal. Their Easter basket will be filled with eviction notices for the rest of the team.

18 Pit Crew (Olive) 0-5

This team’s Easter basket will have marshmallow peeps (derogatory).