Season 24 Power Rankings: Week 1

1 Boat Stuff (Navy) 1-0

I lost count after the game entered its 450th overtime, but Boat Stuff eventually anchored down and sailed its way to victory. The Daffodilfs tried to stay afloat, but in the end got fully docked by this surprisingly tough crew of maritime misfits. I’m letting y’all have the top spot this week since you basically played a double header and won – but don’t get cute about it.

2 Pink-182 (Neon Pink) 1-0

“All the small things” Pink 182 did to secure a win led to their “first date” with victory for the season. Congratulations to Tiger for “fighting the gravity” and surviving a record-setting singular game without enduring an injury. Knowing your luck, I’ll be ordering a fleet of medical staff to the field in advance of next weekend.

3 Dom Trops (Tropic Blue) 1-0

At first their energy was giving sub, but these Dom Trops eventually dominated the game and took home their first trop-hie of the season. While I’m highly skeptical there are any actual dom trops on this team, I’m looking forward to seeing how far and long (and wide) y’all can last.

4 Papa Cherries (Red) 1-0

Even with an illegal amount of straight dads on this team, Popping Cherries proved too fruitful on the field as Concrete Grey failed to harden its defense. The Cherries took home a sweet victory, with a hellish defeat that left its opponents wishing Jesus took the wheel.

5 Tight-anium (Silver) 1-0

Silver got lucky and struck gold in this close and aggressive matchup. The team came out shining thanks to Marvin’s silver bullet skills and some impressive plays across the board. However, since I suffered a minor injury at the hands of this team, I will be immediately filing a lawsuit with the intention of bankrupting them ahead of the playoffs.

6 Mean Green Kelly Machine (Kelly Green) 1-0

It looks like Pit Crew’s engine just couldn’t keep up with Kelly Green’s speed in this game. Jim Connolly, J.J. and Mike Osorio led their grandchildren to victory this week in what can only be described as an adorable moment for America’s senior citizens. (This message has been sponsored by AARP.)

7 Diva Cups (Maroon) 1-0

Y’all had your diva cups on so tight, you made your opponents projectile all over Carter Barron! I’d be upset had I been forced to play on that field after your victory, but since I wasn’t, I’m exclusively impressed by your team’s audacity. Congratulations on this hard-fought win, and so help me God if you are as aggressive during our match-up.

8 Daddy, Chill (White) 1-0

Starting off the season with relentless rushing and a pick six?! These daddies need to seriously chill! This team’s offense stayed cool as ice during a nail-biting game that saw the chillest daddies come out on top in the end.

9 Blue-ty Callers (Carolina Blue) 1-0

This team rained on their sunny competitors and left team yellow feeling rather blue during an honestly pretty boring match up. I wasn’t all that impressed by your performance, and I ran out of my iced coffee halfway through your game. That’s on you.

10 Daffodilfs (Gold) 0-1

A perfect score to start the season during a game that was otherwise torturously too long to endure. I really don’t need to write anything else. Your score is literally “69.” Just be proud of the hard-fought match y’all put up.

11 Fanta-sies 🍑 (Neon Orange) 0-1

This loss was personally soda-pressing for me; despite my team’s fantastic efforts, orange creamsicle uniforms and bubbly personalities, the silver team showed off their metal in a hard-fought game. But we won’t just be left chasing rainbows – ours is officially the underdog team to watch this season.

12 Royal Tenenbottoms (Royal Blue) 0-1

Question: Do you really want your name to have a pun about bottoms if you don’t plan to be on top? It’s a bit too derivative IMHO, especially given your team roster. That said, here’s hoping you don’t get royally screwed out of a victory next week.

13 Deep in the Bush (Forest Green) 0-1

What’s the DCGFFL guidelines for cleaning up gameday vomit on the field? Personally, I think the responsible players should be made to do it themselves as the rest of the league chants “SHAME!” from the sidelines. That is the only way forward after someone projectiles like this team’s captain did on Sunday during a gut-wrenching game. (Here’s hoping your sense of humor is stronger than your stomach, Evan.)

14 Plumshots (Purple) 0-1

What’s sad is that I would not have many shady things to say about the guys on this team had their performance not been so utterly boring. I think there is some potential on the purple team – that is, the potential to be a consistent letdown to their sideline supporters. Luckily some of your personalities are more impressive than your performance on the field.

15 Pit Crew (Olive) 0-1

What a drag. Pit Crew tried to rev up their offense, but failed to shift gears in time to edge out a win against older, apparently wiser opponents. Is this team the dark horse of the season, or have they already run out of gas?

16 Atomic Blue Villains (Atomic Blue) 0-1

This game was a real nuclear explosion that left the Atomic Blue team in the fallout. Unfortunately this team just couldn’t quite split the atom of victory during a close game. Y’all didn’t have the energy or nuclear fusion between your offense and defense to pull off a win, and that’s sad for you.

17 Mellow Yellow (Neon Yellow) 0-1

This team’s quarterback appeared to be too transfixed on the opposing twinks to secure a victory. Furthermore, Ron from the opposing team suffered a small incision on his finger, and since his family is almost certainly from New England-generational-lawsuit-wealth, I can guarantee Neon Yellow now has a fierce enemy in the league.

18 These Grays, They're Trying to Murder Me (Concrete Grey) 0-1

Concrete failed to lay the foundation for a victory as its offense and defense both cracked under the pressure in a stunning defeat. The team didn’t seem to have a game plan set in stone, leaving its players feeling mixed up against their opponents. Here’s hoping they can solidify a few wins over the weeks ahead, but right now it is so bad, I want to give you a zero.