Season 23 Power Rankings: Week 3

1 Oh My Goth (Black) 3-0

While JC Adams was fighting for his life to keep his SMYAL Brunch down, the rest of Goth’s receiving core (Michael, Tom, and Everett) showed why they have yet to be stopped once so far this season. After converting an interception by Bryan Sanders on Gold’s first drive, Black never looked back…although looking back a little more might have helped them cover Oliver 40 yards downfield.

Next week against Burnt Orange could be full of surprises however with their white-hot QB out of town and his favorite twunk lineman home in Maine to attend the annual Androscoggin County Moose Races.

2 Foamosexuals (Seafoam Green) 3-0

This team is having fun and gelling early on, but has definitely benefited from playing only one starting QB in their first three games. But hey, you deal with what you’re dealt! This week, it was playing against a Red team that only had 7 players and a backup QB. Austin Plier recorded four interceptions on defense, and JP Hooth had a sack towards the end of the game to trigger the mercy rule. Now that’s an exclamation point!

3 I Run Gay (Iron Grey) 2-0

Iron Grey keeps on keeping on. They handled Kelly Green with ease, getting scored on only once. I checked the math and that’s pretty, pretty, pretty good.

4 Cocked & Loaded Limebackers (Lime) 2-0

Lime left a sour taste in Sand’s mouth this week and jumped three spots in this week’s rankings as a result. Britt C is also one of our picks for an up-and-coming this season. She’s hungry, great for the vibes and judging by those sunglasses she wears to play, she means business.

(We’re sorry we made a joke about your jerseys a second week in a row (see below)…but, like, now we know why Britt needs the wraparound glasses!)

5 Gold Dogs, New Tricks (Gold) 1-1

This was an absolute barnburner of a game. Hope everyone took the over! A 47-41 final? Sheesh! The bad news is that Gold couldn’t stop Black’s offense, but the good news is that for the most part, Oliver and Gold’s offense couldn’t be stopped by Black’s defense. The difference in this game was an early pick-six. We’re keeping an eye on them in future weeks.

6 Not Another White Refrigerator (White) 2-0

Some say football is a game of inches but to secure his second win as a captain, Ryan Viessman reminded us that it is actually a game of technicalities. But hey, a win is a win is a win is a win is a win is a win and the schedule is the schedule…Sorry, Cam.

7 Shady Birches (Forest Green) 1-1

They say showing up is half the battle but Flakey Birches couldn’t even manage that. After forfeiting to White, this team with so much promise has now played just one game in the first three weeks of the season due to completely unforeseen circumstances: weather and the Gregorian concept of “Saturday”.

8 Blue World Order (Columbia Blue) 1-1

Ya’ll should add a W to your name with each win you get this season. You got the first one against Burnt Orange. Will we see Blue WWorld Order next week?

9 Coral Fixation (Coral) 1-1

In the W column! Coral held on to beat Navy by a single point. Something like that can really bring a team together and be the start of something special.

10 Cerulean Gworls (Navy) 1-1

Ok, I know this was addressed last week, but I have to bring it up again.


I (Derrick) am pretty colorblind, and even I could tell some creative liberty was taken with this team name.

Unfortunately for Navy, they… blue it against Coral.

Losses are annoying, but those one point losses sure do sting a bit more, though.

11 The Red Light District (Red) 1-2

Red showed spirit this week, and some flashes on offense along the way! The good news is that Tiger continues to work his way up to being one of the best yet underrated twink receivers in the league. The bad news is that for each reception he records he has to tape something else up.

12 The Sandra Bullocks (Sand) 1-2

Sean Holihan’s return to the field was not enough for Beige, I mean Sand, to keep pace with a blinding, I mean dominant, Lime. But hey, maybe next week he can get Iron Grey’s best player to quit?

13 Yellow Brick Loads (Yellow) 1-1

Yellow put up their first W of the season this week thanks to a knockout performance by their MVP: The alcohol at the SMYAL Brunch. Royal never stood a chance.

14 Purple Pee Hole Eaters (Purple) 1-1

Congrats on the win (due to forfeit), but we’re sad you didn’t get to enjoy the beautiful weather with us on Saturday.

15 Ready for this Kelly (Kelly Green) 0-3

It couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy with nicer hair…but seriously. Kelly’s season is on the ropes after QB Zach fell and broke his wrist. Here’s to a speedy recovery for everyone’s favorite Cali bro. #Peritwinkle5ever

Looks like QB responsibility might now fall to Dan Dorsey but judging by that wounded duck he threw in week two (“it slipped out of my hand!!”), let’s get some team socials on the books, folks. Y’all look like a good time and let’s not let that go to waste.

16 Yam It In (Burnt Orange) 0-3

The yammers became yammed once again this weekend as they fell to Carolina Blue 31-19 - a differential just one point better than Captain Joe Herron’s turn in the pocket against the #2 Foamosexuals.

If we could make a suggestion, Joe P’s “just throw it to Josh” strategy worked decently well in last season’s rec league and as this dreamy newcomer gets settled in with his starting QB we are sure they will find a connection. Hey Josh…call us.

17 Rock Hard (Graphite) 0-2

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and lose 100% of the games you don’t show up for.

18 Rick Royal'd (Royal) 0-2

JC loves to talk about his “algorithm” for the draft but with just a single win in his last 13 games as a captain and barely being able to pull together 6 players before forfeiting this week, he might want to double-check his math next time.

All in all, a tough forfeit to Yellow but there’s always next week, and the week after that, and the week after that, and the week after that, and the week after that and then there’s next season…

Ok, that’s it for us this week. Derrick had his annual eye exam Monday, and his prescription got worse. If you don’t like what was written about your team, blame it on his poor eyesight on Sunday. Otherwise, feel free to blame it on Joe!