Season 25 Power Rankings: Week 4
1 No Foamo (Seafoam) 3-0
This team never wants the foam party to end. With a good number of options to work with, QB Ben Hunt decided that winning by two scores with less than a minute left wasn’t enough and proceeded to try and run up the score even further. It’s No Foamo, it’s YOLO, it’s dance like nobody’s watching from the sidelines, it’s two bros sitting in a hot tub, five feet apart cause they’re not gay (or foamosexuals, whichever you prefer).
2 Tar👠s (Carolina Blue) 3-0
Oriya continues to sneak his way past all his opponents into the endzone and Paul continues to put in WAY too much effort by throwing his body all over the field. Whether it’s sheer skill or everyone getting distracted by Team Twink’s boyish good looks - it’s working. These boots (heels) be walking all over the competition and pretty privilege remains alive and well.
3 Beet It (Maroon) 3-0
We hope Jordan’s back doesn’t hurt too much from carrying this team. But you have to give them credit, when they eventually have everyone present they will have all the pieces necessary to make a serious run at the championship - but can they run as fast as gays do from commitment? Only time will tell.
4 PLAYBUOYS (Navy) 3-0
We get it - another JC-helmed football team with a talented bench and a so-far undefeated record. We’ve seen this show before, we’ve ridden this merry-go-round, this has already been written about, and it has rarely resulted in a championship win (ok…maybe ONE time). See y’all at the final four and then godspeed from there!
Game 1: They were there. That’s about it. Orange you glad this team got left on Red.
Game 2: Are you a twink that doesn’t go looking for danger, but danger finds you? Do you find yourself on the receiving end of a hard beating, but not the kind you wanted? Do you act tough only to start bleeding everywhere on the field AND on the sidelines? If so, please consider donating to the Justice for Twinks Fund (@Tiger-Ricchetti on venmo). My perennially sprained hand, thankfully not broken nose, and consistently over-dramatic but bruised ego (and body) thank you for your support during this difficult time.
Pete: I’m shocked, SHOCKED to see you made this one about you. And I look forward to the indictments inevitably following your latest moneymaking scheme.
Tiger: For just one dollar a day, YOU could help a twink in need.
6 The Boy is Lime (Lime) 2 - 1
The Boy is Chaotic. Wyatt led this team to a bewitching 24-0 start, but in the end it was barely enough for the W, cuz no Lime points came in the second half, and none from an extra point. Without Josh Estryn’s Accio spell beaming nearly every tossup ball into his hands, things with Neon could have gotten Messi. And in case you haven’t noticed, there’s another rookie not to sleep on here: speedy short king Art.
Tiger: Direct quote from Pete: P*** on me Wyatt.
Pete: This is a private matter and I have not nor will I be making any further statements to the press or others at this time.
Pete: MOVING ALONG, Honorable mention goes to: Team mascot Lucas, serving a fresh wig, cheering on his and our daddy from the sidelines.
Tiger: This is a message we can all get behind in these bitterly divided midseason times. #LucasForSpeaker
7 Choose Violets (Purple) 2-1
Under consistent leadership from Jens and Matt Cline and consistent digs at the referees by Ken, Violet has managed to notch another victory under their belt. While their game against Coral wasn’t entirely coming up roses - they made sure that the other team was pushing daisies by the end. For all we know they may merrily skip their way through the fields all the way to the finals. But they’ll need to start sowing those seeds now. And maybe nip some of the sniping at the refs in the bud or they’ll come to learn that every rose (and annoyed ref) has its thorns.
8 Magnum (Gold) 2-1
Tiger: Rookie Andre was running circles around an already beaten-down Black team this weekend. And they’ve been proving each game why they shouldn’t be underestimated. Could this turnaround be the boost the team needs to launch them into serious contention for the crown? Did everyone doubt this new quarterback too quickly? Did Carole Baskin kill her husband? We’re all eager to find out.
Pete: Step aside Joseph Allen Maldonado-Passage, we have a new Tiger KING in town.
Tiger: <(•-• ) *ahem*
For a team with some of the objectively nicest people in the league, they received a SHOCKING number of penalties this weekend - and boy did it make the girls feisty. Luis made some huge plays over White including a pair of 60-yard TD runs, but his voice was louder still. This weekend definitely left the team with a sour taste in their mouth leaving the field and you can bet that they’re coming into next weekend hungry for that W. ** ** The theme was sour, sweet, gone.
10 The Icebergs (Sapphire) 2-2
We will fully admit, we’ve heard very little about this team this whole season. Are they silent but deadly? Or are they fading into the background? With some big names on their roster, we’d like to believe they’re just flying under the radar, but we get the feeling that, at least so far this season, they might be going down with the Titanic.
11 Disco Cowboys (Silver) 1-2
We had no idea AJ was so religious with the number of times he was yelling J**** C***** at everyone on his team. He was giving my pro-conversion therapy uncle a run for his money. Silver was able to rack up a solid lead in the first half, but let it slip in the second after some unfortunate drops and a pick six. Guess it just wasn’t part of god’s plan for them to win this one.
12 Coralingus (Coral) 1-2
I’ve never thought about it before but this is quite the eclectic cast of characters on this team - many who’ve made a name for themselves on and off the field. But strange bedfellows can yield surprising results - from Bromell’s shake and bake to this ominous quote from the sideline: “Andrew Aldrian is Mr. Rogers with a dark side” - we’re not sleeping on this team just yet.
13 Left You On Red (Red) 1-2
Watch out Travis Kelce, there’s another player in a red jersey that got put on the map on Sunday. This supplemental draft ringer gave Red their first win over a formidable Texas Orange, and he’s the muse to us sideline Swifties:
October morning you showed out,
Pocketless shorts, running effortless routes/
You pull my flags and heartstrings,
Sleeveless arms, now I’m sweating/
Rookie only in name, catching balls and my gaze,
This reception was immaculate, he’s my church on a Sunday.
14 Glazed and Confused (White) 1-2
Captain Joe Owens was seen storming off the field mid-game due to the lack of defense his team was putting up. Or he was going to work? We’re not entirely sure which one. But without his leadership these little krispy kremes were left more disoriented than ever. Maybe their name is a little *too* on the nose..
15 Plan Bees (Yellow) 1-3
This team’s name also may have proved prescient. After the loss of one of Bees’ Knees (wly Noah), new supplemental rookie Ken proved to be a playmaker, and may be exactly the backup option this team knee-ded (sorry). Will his mojo dojo casa house Kenergy be enough to make a dreamland for Austin, DJ, and this group of kindhearted Barbies? It wasn’t enough for the W this time, but we’ll be watching.
16 Black Holes (Black) 0-3
Struggling not with their backup, but the BACKUP to the backup quarterback, Black was already headed into the weekend outmatched and outgunned (which, according to the authors’ extensive extensive research, is the first time that word has ever been used to describe BB). It’s been a hot minute since refs have had to record a safety - and maybe that should be added to the ref clinic next season seeing as nobody had any idea what to do when it happened. These holes definitely took a bit of a beating this weekend, but they were all in good spirits at Sunday Funday - maybe it was the afterglow.
17 Neon’s Messi (Neon Pink) 0-4
Cheep Cheep Cheep. Neon delivered a Broadway level performance of Pick-a-Little Talk-a-LOT. In the second half, the air and emotional temperatures rose in tandem, leading Refs JC and Kevin to deliver them and Lime an unprecedented “no talking to the other team, periodt” gag order. As to the football of it all, they mounted an impressive last-minute turnaround, but like Jojo, it was more than just a little too late.
We could say more but they already said enough. Team All Bark, No Bite this weekend.
Forest gave Navy a run for their money this weekend, almost winning before dropping the ball in the last minute. Literally and metaphorically. Clem was heard yelling about LITerally everything but made sure to clarify he wasn’t mad at anyone on his team, he was mad at himself. We love a man who takes responsibility.
This team is known for playing rough and hard, some might argue too hard, but if they play just a little harder they might surprise everyone with a second half of the season ride to the championship. Knock on wood.