Open Division Season 26 Power Rankings: Week 4

1 Royal Tightness 💙 (Royal Blue) 4 - 0

It was a battle Royale with Neon Orange, but in the end there could be only one Queen Bey, and one fungible KellyMichelle getting waved offstage at will. Royal capitalized on an INT by retirement community water aerobics instructor Steslicki, and JC demonstrated that he can actually tell time with strong clock management at the end. (Despite this revelation, he still will fail to show up to literally anything on time).

This crew is the only undefeated team left in the league; will all the top hits they’re dropping result in this team winning Album of the Year, or will they ultimately be snubbed at the end by another contender? DCGFFL, imma let you finish.

2 Neon My Face (Neon Orange) 4 - 1

You played a great game, but a W this week just wasn’t your destiny, child. Even though this week you were Effie White to Royal’s Deena Jones, we know you’re Not Going, no way. Shoutout to Joshy walking into Shakers like nobody’s business with 3 TDs and a ruddy (being charitable) complexion afterwards.

In other news: local ophthalmologists are reported to be dealing with a sudden influx of patients with burnt retinas due to staring too long directly at … Sanders’ quick drag.

3 Blacked-Out Barbies (Black) 3 - 1

These barbies were feelin’ themselves (myself) this weekend - snatching two hard-fought wins this weekend. I thought that twink privilege was SO 2018 but apparently these girls never got the message, proving that pretty does not in fact hurt with a core of several fast twink receivers.

Most (or rather, not at all) incredibly, shoutout to Jay for getting points on the board after getting us all Crazy in Love on Saturday! We want to see it two, three times in a row.

Guess we will have to see if Black and Gizelle Bryant can get back to their top spots! Only time will tell.

4 You Got Moss'd (Forest Green) 3 - 1

Remember those walls this team built by forfeiting last week? Baby, they’re tumbling down. They didn’t even put up a fight (this weekend), they didn’t even make a sound (for now). They just won. And we love to see AJ spreading the ball around – maybe some (daddy) lessons are being learned!

5 3-6-9, Damn Good Lime (Lime Shock) 3 - 1

This team led by hella thotty, seasoned professional str8s* was kinda sorta I guess in the mood to f* something up, barely eking out a W over very mellow Yellow. Lime, we suppose you can come and cuff it; we hope the juice was worth the squeeze.

6 Field of Creams (White) 2 - 1

If you thought this team wouldn’t be able to do much without their Becky with the good hair QB, you’d be wrong. Rookie Shawn proved they could have another QB in a minute, only losing to the Hot Ones in a nailbiter game. While you’re off gallivanting around the Louvre or whatever Oriya, better not get to thinking you’re irreplaceable.

7 Grey 4 Pay (Dark Grey) 2 - 1

Do you know these Greys? They didn’t have much to say to the press about their loss this week, with Matt H. only offering the insights that Light Blue “played football today” and “BB is not injured,” and Aaron S. giving an uncharacteristically staid rundown of a “kinda anticlimactic” game. Which, I suppose, is basically Bey’s media strategy, so you’ve got us there.

8 The Hot Ones (Cardinal) 3 - 2

My Hot Ones! Our hive is still looking a tad dissheveled after our own Queen Bee Lamar was officially benched for the season. It looks like she and the rest of us (incl. Carlos’ poor pup) could’ve taken Bey’s advice Don’t Hurt Yourself this week. We played our hearts out and caught some bad breaks, but ending 1-1 on this Sunday’s matchups wasn’t exactly much to write home to Tina about. Do we need even more hot sauce in our bag? Let’s regroup, come back next week in Formation, and we’ll paint the town red like cinnamon.

9 Pink Pony Club 🐴💗 (Neon Pink) 2 - 2

It’s two for the pink! This team pulled out a set of twin wins that would have made mama Bey proud (wly too Blue). With Cam B putting up some big stats, including a kickoff runback, Justin reminding he’s more than just a trophy husband/captain and is a playmaker in his own right, and Brandon G being sack city, watch out: this team is poised to paint the world [redacted] pink.

10 Blue Bombers💊 (Light Blue) 2 - 2

Rumor has it that well past the matronly Brenda Over’s bedtime on Saturday, 11:30 found her Jumpin Jumpin at Bunker. Whether it was the spirits of her apparent drag inspirations Mmes. Kasha Davis and Doubtfire, Carrie Underwood at her whiskey shooting finest, or Queen Bey herself guiding her, we can’t say. All we know is by Sunday morning, Brenda was replaced with a pockets full grown QB who led his team to a W over some competitive Greys (at least for pay).

11 The Extra Virgins (Olive Green) 2 - 2

Hotchkiss has got her Virgins’ Groove back and is looking comfortable in her (pig)skin. This team came out looking refreshed, moisturized, and rejuvenated by the pickup of young Johnny in Supplemental, pulling out an underdog win over the Hot Ones and a … regular win over Coral. It’s giving no longer virgin, and all back of the limousine, riding with that surfboard. It might even be a Summer Renaissance.

12 Grape Sexpectations 🍇 (Purple) 2 - 2

Grape’s sweet dream became a beautiful nightmare this weekend after losing to previously winless Pink - slowly watching the scoreboard go up almost as many times as Love on Top has key changes. Either way, not quite the birthday present Connor was hoping for.

To add insult to injury, one of their TDs was entirely because three Pink rookies didn’t know what to do when Shaq’s flags fell off mid-play. Hint: even if he’s a mastermind in haute couture, he’s NOT too classy to be touched.

13 My Little Foamies (Seafoam) 1 - 2

These lil Foamies started off the season with a lil win, but just haven’t found their inner stallions in the weeks since. But I’m telling everybody, this author does feel sympathy for them: they have a whopping FIVE 9am games this season, and Bey taught us about the injustice of being at work by 9. Maybe once they sleep real good at night, they’ll be queens in the frontfield, doms in the backfield.


14 The Atoms Family 🫰🫰 (Atomic Blue ) 1 - 3

This team should have left their phone at home cause this was a disaster. After a strong first half, including rookie Shawn securing his first TD on his very first game (take notes ladies), this team fell apart after their captain bobbled the ball directly into the other team’s hands on the first play of the second half - goddess only knows why. While they put up a good fight, they were playing catch up the rest of the game and couldn’t quite close it out in time.

Cut to image of Tiger sitting alone, playing Pray You Catch Me in his car after the game.

15 Urine Trouble (Yellow) 1 - 4

In the darkest night hour, we searched through the crowd – and very few people had anything to say about the pee team. But we love them like XO, so we’ll just say that we hope you find a way to turn lemons into sweet golden Lemonade.

Oh, and Athena D’Monaco… on the main stage, you delivered a real live boogie, but I’m not sure Uncle Johnny would approve of that cheap spandex. Sorry! We’re the bad guy. (Pete: I ain’t sorry.)

16 Whoral (Coral) 1 - 4

They couldn’t quite rocket till water falls. Are they suffering from a Love Drought, or just a W drought? Even on their worst day, are these DJ-led Whorals not thirsty enough to turn their season around? Will Mark return from his forest hideaway to the lights and the beams? We have as many questions as that track. Oh wait one more: Will Evan fully Solange elevator somebody first?

17 Green Peen Queens (Marine Green) 0 - 3

Marine, Marine, Marine Mariiiiiine, we’re begging of you… please channel more Beyonce and less Dolly on this track.

They were finally able to score more than one touchdown in a game, with TJ demonstrating his ballet skills spinning his way down the field and into the endzone. Do it baby spin it, now spin it baby do it! This team may not be delivering on the field, but they are a consistent sight at Sunday funday – and we always love a Church Girl who don’t hurt nobody.

18 Bellagi-Hos (Vegas Gold) 0 - 4

Vegas GoldMember is out here delivering Foxxy Cleopatra-level performance. You’re getting closer and closer though — one of these days your Goldmember will be a Goldeneye, we can feel it! Just please make it happen before Telephone II (I, for one, will never give up on this).

Shoutout to Eric G as Storm at the Midseason, that superhero diva lewk was 10’s across the board. Uncle Johnny would be PROUD.